Since I’m moving tomorrow, I’ve spent the last two weeks going through everything I own. One of the things that I found at the bottom of a box was this letter that I think you’ll all get a kick out of. First a little background…

The first internet company I ever worked for was your classic “start-up” situation. These guys didn’t care about what they had to do as long as they got that golden IPO that would make us all millionaires. When I joined the company, their business plan was to be a virtual real estate company that would take pictures of various houses for sale and post them on the site. When that started to fall apart, they decided to go with an online yellow pages sort of thing and try to sell advertising space in the listings. The day after Time magazine had a cover story on ecommerce, the company reinvented itself yet again as one that sold random crap.

While the company was always a step or two behind internet trends, they made sure to be a step or two ahead of their creditors. In my time there, we’d moved the company’s offices twice (the rumor was so we could avoid paying rent). I’d also survived two rounds of layoffs and had paychecks bounce. When I decided to move and gave my two weeks notice, I was fired the next day out of fear that I would develop “short-timers syndrome” and hurt the company (they were doing that well enough on their own). Needless to say, this is the main reason I’m so comfortable working for a big, “evil”, and stable corporation.

At some point during my employment with this company, I intercepted the following letter at the fax machine which was so juicy, I had to photocopy it and hold on to it for the last 6-7 years. (Names have been omitted to protect the innocent…and my ass)

Dear ______,

I want to renegotiate the note with you and I want to come to some amicable terms.

Monday morning I plan to write a form letter regarding your failure to disclose certain payments to your underwriter and to ________ and fax it to all 50 state regulatory agencies plus the SEC (I have all their fax numbers programmed). That should keep your company busy and in front of the right people.

I have relatives in _____ and have asked them for a good law firm to represent me. ______ lied to me regarding your company, _______ lied, ____ lied and you are all going to jail. If I can help put you all in the same cell I will do my best.

I will go through your document word by word tonight on the train. I will rip you an asshole big enough for your entire computer system to fit through without feeling any pain.

I have been in the brokerage business my entire life (25 yrs) and I know how to make a NIGHTMARE out of your dream.

You like lawyer bills and writing to the 50 regulators, be my guest.

Tomorrow you will return my call and settle this matter one way or the other.

I dunno about you, but I’m still shocked the internet bubble ended up popping. With such honest and business savvy people at the helm, I just assumed all of our wildest dreams would come true…