They sure do love reminding people that Lincoln was a Republican, don’t they? I guess it does sound better than “The Party of Wallace” or “Home of the Southern Strategy” or “Where the Dixiecrats Settled”.

Arnold Schwarzeneger ranks right up there with Gallagher, Jeff Foxworthy, Yakov Schmirnoff, and Dat Phan as one of the shittiest, one-joke comedians in history :

SCHWARZENEGGER: What a greeting. Wow. This is like winning an Oscar — as if I would know.

(LAUGHTER)

Speaking of acting, one of my movies was called “True Lies.” And that’s what the Democrats should have called their convention.
. . .
And to those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don’t be economic girlie-men.
. . .
SCHWARZENEGGER: And, ladies and gentlemen, if you believe that we must be fierce and relentless and terminate terrorism, then you are a Republican.
. . .
And you know what he said to me then? You know what he said to me then?

SCHWARZENEGGER: He said, “Arnold, I’ll be back.”

The funniest line of the night however was this one :

SCHWARZENEGGER: Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air.

I said to my friend, I said, “What party is he?”

My friend said, “He’s a Republican.”

I said, “Then I am a Republican.”

Oh wait, that last part wasn’t a joke….

From the Bush twins’ cringe-inducing speech tonight :

B. BUSH: Take this. I know it’s hard to believe, but our parents’ favorite term of endearment for each other is actually “Bushy.”

(LAUGHTER)

And we had a hamster, too. Let’s just say ours didn’t make it.

(APPLAUSE)

J. BUSH: But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we’re going to see Outkast, they know it’s a band and not a bunch of misfits. And if we really beg them, they’ll even shake it like a Polaroid picture.

My girlfriend’s response : “Are they saying that their dad just let their hamster die?”

One of the events that seems to be getting a lot of mentions at the RNC is Bush’s visit to Ground Zero. I’ll admit that Bush’s “I can hear you” ad-lib was pretty damn good, but as William Saletan points out in Slate, it’s hardly heroic :

Now the Republican National Convention is showcasing Bush’s own heroic moment. As John McCain put it last night: “I knew my confidence was well placed when I watched him stand on the rubble of the World Trade Center with his arm around a hero of September 11 and, in our moment of mourning and anger, strengthen our unity and our resolve by promising to right this terrible wrong and to stand up and fight for the values we hold dear.”

Pardon me for asking, but where exactly is the heroism in this story?
. . .
Bush partisans point out that he did do things in the 9/11 aftermath. In his convention address last night, former New York Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik recalled Bush’s famous visit to New York, “inspiring a nation as he stood on hallowed ground, supporting the first responders.”

OK, so Bush stood there. He “supported,” in a Clintonesque sense, the people who were doing something.

The Clinton reference is funny, since in all the effort to rewrite history and make it seem as if Bush rushed to New York to help out, everyone has forgotten that Bill got there first :

Over now familiar refrains of “that’s unreal,” and “I can’t believe it,” and pregnant moans of “wow,” a spectacle of a different kind captured unblinking New Yorkers yesterday afternoon. Out of Manhattan’s Union Square came a welcome and commanding sight: former President Bill Clinton, surrounded by a growing mass of people.
. . .
“We need to just bolster people’s spirits right now, and support the president and the government,” he said between handshakes. “They’re going to need some time with this.”

Clinton, who was in Australia when New York and Washington, D.C., were attacked, said he had spent the previous 24 hours flying to New York on an Air Force plane. He was kept informed of developments by his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.).
. . .
Many said Clinton’s short appearance both magnified and made up for what they called President George W. Bush’s shortcomings during this crisis. The White House announced that the president would visit New York, for the first time, today.

“So far he has not been a comforting presence,” said Emily Vacchiano, 26, who lives in SoHo. “He has not conveyed compassion or strength. Just the sight of him [Clinton] cheered everyone up today.”

Michael Siller, 38, also of Manhattan said, “I didn’t vote for Clinton but at least I always felt he was in charge. That feeling has been missing here.”

Not that I’m trying to make the point that Clinton’s rushing to New York was an act of heroism or anything, but I think it’s important to point out that it was pretty common to hear “Where the hell is the President?” in the days immediately following 9/11.

Hell, the only reason 90% of Americans have even heard of Rudy Giuliani is because he was showing the leadership that the President lacked on that day. While Bush flying all over the country from one undisclosed location to another, Rudy was the one in front of the cameras trying to calm a frightened nation. Contrasted with the tough and somber statements that Guiliani made periodically, Bush’s brief remarks were barely memorable.

One could make the argument that Bush was too busy behind the scenes trying to figure out what happened and how to coordinate a response, but that doesn’t excuse the mythmaking that has accompanied his visit to Ground Zero. Based on the way people have been slobbering over this, you’d think the bullhorn he spoke through was the holy grail. Just because he made a photo-op at a mass grave and wooed the crowd doesn’t make up for the weakness of Bush’s efforts to soothe an emotionally wounded nation immediately after the attacks.

Jesus’s General tracked down the audio of the NPR reporter being protected from what the anchor jokingly referred to as “The Michael Moore Threat”. I’ve created an mp3 pf the remarks that you can download here . Here’s part of a rushed transcript of the exchange from JC’s site :

Seabrook: Yes, I am in the middle of a…you might be able to hear the Secret Service yelling into my mic at the same time. There, there are a bunch of Secret Service that have surrounded Michael Moore’s section. There are three or four reporters with him right now, but they are trying to kick all of the reporters and press photographers who are around him out of his area. The convention staff is also here. They’re standing here telling us that we have to move from this are…they’re obviously disturbed by the fact that Michael Moore is here and want as little public here as possible.

Stachio: Can we hear? Can we hear what’s going on? Can you stick a mic in there? I don’t know if we can hear.

Seabrook: Yeah…ah…eh…they’ve sort of moved me away from that area.

Stachio: I don’t understand. Who is it? Is it Secret Service?

Seabrook: It’s Secret Service which is interesting because the Secret Service of all agencies is the one that remains…is the least involved in the sort of political…political kinds of things, but of course they always cover the candidates and they have to be involved in the convention like this. They claim that what they’re doing is for safety reasons, although there is a almost nobody around Michael Moore right now.

And in case you’re wondering…yes, this is illegal :

Hatch Act for Federal Employees

The Hatch Act restricts the political activity of executive branch employees of the federal government, District of Columbia government and some state and local employees who work in connection with federally funded programs. In 1993, Congress passed legislation that significantly amended the Hatch Act as it applies to federal and D.C. employees. (These amendments did not change the provisions that apply to state and local employees.) Under the amendments most federal and D.C. employees are now permitted to take an active part in political management and political campaigns. A small group of federal employees are subject to greater restrictions and continue to be prohibited from engaging in partisan political management and partisan political campaigns.

The Secret Service is one of the “small group of federal employees” that is explicitly forbidden from engaging in partisan political activity.

One of the things I found distasteful about last night’s convention was the emphasis on 9/11. While it’s fair to mention the attacks to set up a debate about the appropriate response, last night’s convention seemed to revel in the details of the attacks.

The 9/11 tribute was a good example of what I’m talking about. It consisted of three women telling intimate stories about the deaths of their loved ones. I kept expecting them to jump in with “Timmy last words were : ‘Don’t trust those Massachusetts liberals’.” or something like that. While the ladies stayed above the fray, the underlying message seemed to be that Republicans mourn better than Democrats.

The dirty work came from “America’s Mayor” in an anecdote that I feel safe in saying is 100% bullshit. Since Rudy went off-script quite a bit last night, I’m including the transcript of what he said, not the “prepared remarks”. Rudy’s ad-lib has been italicized, though I’m sure the fact that his addition was the grizzliest part of his speech is just a coincidence :

GIULIANI: On September 11, this city and our nation faced the worst attack in our history. On that day, we had to confront reality.

For me, when I arrived there and I stood below the north tower and I looked up, and seeing the flames of hell emanating from those buildings, and realizing that what I was actually seeing was a human being on the 101st, 102nd floor that was jumping out of the building, I stood there, it probably took five or six seconds, it seemed to me that it took 20 or 30 minutes, and I was stunned.

And I realized, in that moment, in that instant, I realized we were facing something that we have never, ever faced before.

We had never been confronted with anything like this before. We had to concentrate all of our energy and our faith and our hope to get through those first hours and days. And we needed all the help that we could get and all the support that we could get.

And I will always remember that moment as we escaped the building that we were trapped in at 75 Barclay Street, and I realized that things outside might actually be worse than inside the building.

We did the best we could to communicate a message of calm and hope, as we stood on the pavement watching a cloud come through the cavernous streets of lower Manhattan.

Our people were so brave in their response.

(APPLAUSE)

At the time, we believed that we would be attacked many more times that day and in the days that followed. Without really thinking, based on just emotion, spontaneous, I grabbed the arm of then Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, and I said to him, “Bernie, thank God George Bush is our president.”

Well, I guess that’s all you need to know about Guiliani. Even at one of the worst moments in our nation’s history, he was a Republican hack.

Not that you could tell by the cleaned up transcript on the GOP website, but did anyone else catch Guiliani’s throwaway line last night about having the Republican convention in New York? It was something like “I finally feel like I’m at home”. If I was a New Yorker, that line would really piss me off. He was elected twice, yet the only time the city feels like “home” is when they import a bunch of conservatives?? What a dick.

UPDATE : I found a real transcript. Here’s what he said :

GIULIANI: This is the first Republican convention ever held here in New York City.

(APPLAUSE)

I’ve never seen so many Republicans in New York City. It’s great.

(APPLAUSE)

I finally feel at home.

Around 6:30 yesterday, during NPR’s coverage, one of their reporters was trying to interview Michael Moore. After asking one question, she was pushed aside by the Secret Service. When they cut back to her, she seemed really shaken. She said that the Secret Service was trying to disperse the crowd around Moore due to “security reasons” despite the fact that the area they were in was relatively open. From the tone of her remarks it seemed as if the SS was doing their best to make sure no reporters spoke to Moore. Has anyone else heard about this? I tried to find a clip or something on NPR’s website, but there was mention of the incident anywhere.

You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me?! They’ve started the first night of the GOP convention with a medley of Broadway tunes, a “skit” in which an interview with a delegate is interrupted by a cell phone call, and a parody of the Saturday Night Live opening credits?????? After all the ink that was wasted complaining that the senate Convention was too “scripted”, if these douchebags get a free pass, I’m gonna flip out.

The fact that the word “Bush” is a slang term for vagina and the name of our president isn’t funny any more. It stopped being funny in 1988 or so. If you really want to use your moment in the spotlight to yell something naughty, try something more clever like “George Bush is a piece of shit”.