Here are a few odd excerpts from the White House’s transcript of a tour that Bush gave reporters on his ranch in Crawford a couple weeks before 9/11 :

Q: Shouldn’t you be doing that with an axe?

THE PRESIDENT: I’ve got my earplugs in.

Q: Oh, lucky.

THE PRESIDENT: What?

Q: I was just asking, shouldn’t you be doing that with an axe?

THE PRESIDENT: No, that was Abraham Lincoln.

Q: My mistake.

[. . .]

THE PRESIDENT: This is what we call the cathedral. This is where — hey, look, average campers. (Laughter.)

Q: What do you know?

THE PRESIDENT: I’m interested in these trees. This place you learn to fall in love with trees.

[. . .]

THE PRESIDENT: Anyway, be careful of poison ivy, if you have shorts on.

Q: What about snakes?

THE PRESIDENT: You’re okay for snakes. Avoid this plant right here. Like you.

Q: I’m not allergic.

THE PRESIDENT: You’re not? Then you’re in good shape.

[. . .]

THE PRESIDENT: And that’s one of the benefits of being the President, the cook comes with you. (Laughter.)

Q: Noticed a lot of animal droppings. Can you identify them?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, no. I can’t. Good question, though.

Q: I’m a Brooklyn boy, and I don’t —

THE PRESIDENT: I’m better on trees than I am on animal droppings.

[. . .]

THE PRESIDENT: I’m going to give you a little tour to get out of here, so everybody can see this. Woo-baby. I may be going in the whining pool. (Laughter.)

Q: Can we come?

Q: Can we all come?

THE PRESIDENT: I must confess, it was a great addition.

[. . .]

Q: I’ve got to ask, who does your laundry? Because that’s pretty filthy.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, it is.

Q: I can’t imagine Mrs. Bush wants that stuff in her —

THE PRESIDENT: Well, we’ve got a washer — the washer-drier room is right off the porch. And so I’m not saying I strip down outside on the porch or anything, but I am saying I don’t traipse this stuff into the house, either. (Laughter.)

[. . .]

Q: THE PRESIDENT: No, I’m not going to hunt the turkeys.

Q: The pigeons? Do you hunt the pigeons?

THE PRESIDENT: No, we don’t have any pigeons — yes, the doves.

Q: The doves, I mean.

THE PRESIDENT: Dove season is September 1st.

[. . .]

Q: Have any of your guests gotten poison ivy or snake bites or anything like that from walking around?

THE PRESIDENT: Not yet.

Q: But you’re hoping some day?

THE PRESIDENT: I hope they’re not.

Q: Just kidding.

It’s getting more and more difficult to believe Bush gave up drinking…