The Five Stages of Bushism

Bushisms, the common term for “the president’s accidental wit and wisdom”, are a common response to queries the President is unable to answer. Whether caused by ignorance, awkwardness, or fear, the Bushism is an ample opportunity to highlight the dumbassery of the most powerful man in the world. With the first of three crucial debates tomorrow night, here’s a guide to Bush’s responses to even the mildest of questioning.

Stage 1 – Pretending to listen to the question

Stage 2 – Trying to understand the question

Stage 3 – Stalling for time

Stage 4 – Giving a pre-scripted answer unrelated to the question asked

Stage 5 – Acting like a badass motherfucker

To be fair, however, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for Bush’s apparent weakness when it comes to answering simple questions :

Y’see, when Bush went “AWOL”, he was actually enrolled in a top-secret government program to create super-soldiers by replacing their brains with computers. Since this was the early-70′s, Bush’s computer brain runs on punchcards and reel-to-reel magnetic tape. While this computer excells at short answers (seriously, he could kick any of your asses on a “true/false” test), it’s not particularly well-suited for stringing together words into sentences. To get around this limitation, Bush is programmed with 20-30 rotating answers which he loads into memory while playing the “Ummm… ahhhh… wellll….” loop (Stage 3). Although some may see our cybernetic president as a liability, it’s important to remember that Bush represents the most advanced technology 1972 had to offer.


posted by greg on September 29, 2004 @ 10:55 am

53 comments

  1. Ummm… ahhhh… wellll….

    Comment by Gary Kleppe — September 29, 2004 @ 12:51 pm

  2. Where do they feed the punch-cards in? Does that help explain is frequently distracted expression?

    Comment by John — September 29, 2004 @ 12:56 pm

  3. How is that he gives a scripted answer unrelated to the question and still has to stall for time??? Good God, to think we’re going to get another four years of this guy…

    Comment by Brad Reed — September 29, 2004 @ 12:56 pm

  4. Didn’t they ever hear of ‘planned obsolescence’? The best ’72 had to offer should not be inhabiting the White House, it should be in the boneyard.

    Comment by The Fixer — September 29, 2004 @ 12:57 pm

  5. Five Stages Of Bush

    This is priceless….

    Trackback by Past Peak — September 29, 2004 @ 1:01 pm

  6. Unless Bush whips out his johnson and starts waxing it on camera, the spin will be that Bush won the debate.

    Fox will declare a Bush win 2 hours before the debate.

    CNN will declare a Bush win 5 minutes into the debate, before Bush fully answers his first softball question.

    MSGOP will declare a Bush win 5.1 minutes into the debate, because CNN did.

    CBS will declare a Bush win next March.

    The Daily Show will declare America the losers by 11:05PM.

    Comment by Richard Cranium — September 29, 2004 @ 1:06 pm

  7. For those Secret Service people who aren’t necessarily tech-savvy, what The Fixer meant by the “boneyard” was the closet or whatever where you put obsolete technolody when you replace it. Please stand down.

    Comment by Dave from the Lake Effect Zone — September 29, 2004 @ 1:06 pm

  8. Fixer, I respectfully disagree. Any year that produced Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Alyssa Milano, and Rebecca Romjin can’t be all bad.

    Comment by filkertom — September 29, 2004 @ 1:06 pm

  9. i knew it!! he’s a turing test!!!

    Comment by Olaf glad and big — September 29, 2004 @ 1:06 pm

  10. “I can’t think of a single thing I did wrong.”

    Comment by smitty werbenmanjensen — September 29, 2004 @ 1:18 pm

  11. The attempt to shift Bush’s brain to a pretzel-based interface met with public failure.

    Comment by Jake — September 29, 2004 @ 1:19 pm

  12. 1972 my ass. I’ve worked on IBM 026 Verifying/Interpretating Keypunch machines that used 7 vacuum tubes that were faster and smarter than Bush.

    Comment by sac666 — September 29, 2004 @ 1:21 pm


  13. “I can’t think of a single thing I did wrong.”

    “No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error.”

    Comment by Orbitron — September 29, 2004 @ 1:34 pm

  14. The cool part is, if you put a radio on his head tuned to the right frequency, you can hear the electronics working. If you ask him the right question, it plays a little song.

    Comment by grytpype — September 29, 2004 @ 1:46 pm

  15. can he be jammed?

    Comment by mdhatter — September 29, 2004 @ 2:04 pm

  16. The Five Stages of Bush

    Ever notice how Dear Leader’s scripted media events Press Conferences seem to follow the same sickening pattern? Well, the fine folks at The Talent Show Blog have noticed, too, and they have gone ahead and drawn all the Bush-ignorant a…

    Trackback by Eponymous — September 29, 2004 @ 2:20 pm

  17. Bush Sr already offered an excuse for no debates- If someone stutters they should not be in the debate. Coke boy fill the bill.

    Sympathy points for AWOL- his stutter was so bad he listed not to go abroad at wartime, the VC would be emboldened by a stuttering chimp pilot so he stayed at home and kept the bars safe from anyone who favored paying progressive tax schedules…

    Comment by Mr.Murder — September 29, 2004 @ 2:20 pm

  18. LEHRER: “Mr. President, you stated that Saddam Hussein was a clear threat to the United States because he had WMDs. Now you state that he “could” have developed into a threat. Was your reason for war invalid?”

    BUSH: “Ummm…ahhh…well…you’re asking if we would be better off today if Saddam were in power? No. I reject that. See, Saddam was a threat. Remember he attacked his neighbors. He killed his own people. He tried to kill my daddy. No. If I have to choose between the word of Hans Blix and the word of a madman, I’ll choose the madman any time.”

    LEHRER: (confused) “Mr. President?”

    BUSH: “When you’re the president, you don’t have to explain what you do. That’s the nice thing about being president. It would be easier if this were a dictatorship, I wouldn’t even have campaign. (snickers) But what you’re asking is this — the UN and Saddam are saying that Saddam doesn’t have weapons. Am I gonna trust Saddam to lie about his weapons? You bet I am.

    Comment by Sage Vanden Heuvel — September 29, 2004 @ 2:25 pm

  19. …he was actually enrolled in a top-secret government program to create super-soldiers by replacing their brains with computers…

    Is this the first (only?) example of W getting into a program/school/university/business deal/public office on his own merits? Having a replaceable body part?

    Comment by CrispyShot — September 29, 2004 @ 2:28 pm

  20. you missed, tweeked.

    Comment by kerry — September 29, 2004 @ 2:34 pm

  21. James Fallows in the July/August edition of The Atlantic asks why Bush was such an effective debater in the 1994 Texas governor campaign, especially given his recent performance.

    You can’t dismiss Bush’s oratorical missteps as President on the basis of his being a fool.

    This is a man who is constantly on-message, regardless of the question asked, and regardless of the lack of fluency. Everyone (thinks he) knows where/what Bush stands for. Never mind that what the man does is almost never related to what he says.

    Yes, it’s enough to make you tear your hair out.

    Comment by Joe Betsin — September 29, 2004 @ 2:38 pm

  22. You left out the part where he says “Yeah” immediately after any question that is asked, as if to show that he’s giving the question careful thought. I find to be one of his most annoying affectations. It’s arrogant, rude and chimpy.

    Comment by El Payo — September 29, 2004 @ 2:51 pm

  23. GIGO

    Garbage IN Garbage OUT. I think he needs a firmware upgrade. Maybe he left it in the flight suit.

    Comment by Interested — September 29, 2004 @ 2:55 pm

  24. “Daisy, dai-i-i-s-s-y-y-y…..”

    Comment by deja pseu — September 29, 2004 @ 3:50 pm

  25. Your forgot “smirking”. Or is that part of #5?

    Comment by melior — September 29, 2004 @ 4:09 pm

  26. someone needs to check out those “if/then” loops.

    Comment by linguikat — September 29, 2004 @ 4:27 pm

  27. “Where do they feed the punch-cards in? Does that help explain is frequently distracted expression?”

    Why do you think he walks bowlegged?

    Comment by bushwahd — September 29, 2004 @ 4:34 pm

  28. LEHRER: “Mr. President, you stated that Saddam Hussein was a clear threat to the United States because he had WMDs. Now you state that he “could” have developed into a threat. Was your reason for war invalid?”

    BUSH: “Ummm…ahhh…well…you’re asking if we would be better off today if Saddam were in power? No. I reject that. See, Saddam was a threat. Remember he attacked his neighbors. He killed his own people. He tried to kill my daddy. No. If I have to choose between the word of Hans Blix and the word of a madman, I’ll choose the madman any time.”

    LEHRER: (confused) “Mr. President?”

    BUSH: “When you’re the president, you don’t have to explain what you do. That’s the nice thing about being president. It would be easier if this were a dictatorship, I wouldn’t even have campaign. (snickers) But what you’re asking is this — the UN and Saddam are saying that Saddam doesn’t have weapons. Am I gonna trust Saddam to lie about his weapons? You bet I am.

    ___________________________________________

    No way… did this actually happen? Can someone email me the link for this? Dear god… thanks for giving me another reason to vote against the Shrub-monster.

    Comment by MantisBot — September 29, 2004 @ 4:40 pm

  29. Acting like a badass motherfucker

    Watching Bush brings to mind Raymond Chandler’s assessment of actor Alan LLadd: a small boy’s idea of a tough guy.

    Comment by Chris Vosburg — September 30, 2004 @ 9:34 am

  30. Bush should pull out, just like his father should have.

    Comment by Skeptik_p — September 30, 2004 @ 5:24 pm

  31. Yeah. Bush Sr. should have made sure not to reproduce. To fix the error, W never should have reproduced. Now there are two drunk-ass girls to worry about reproducing and again fucking up our country. Yay. There needs to be a way to will them to never want children. Is it too late to sign them up for a convent?

    Comment by Lil_Shy — September 30, 2004 @ 5:59 pm

  32. Hahaha pull out.
    Seriously, they all should have pulled out. Or wore raincoats. Or something. Maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess.

    Comment by Just_browsin — September 30, 2004 @ 6:01 pm

  33. No, it’s Garbage In, Gospel Out, because a computer never makes a mistake – unless it’s running Windows …

    Comment by D Willits — September 30, 2004 @ 8:06 pm

  34. The looks on W’s face on the split screen as Kerry was answering questions was hysterical. For a little while there I thought he would explode. Maybe the antidepressants are helping after all!

    Comment by Linda — September 30, 2004 @ 9:34 pm

  35. I agree with you Linda. In fact, the chimp had looks on his face that appeared to say, “I resent anyone running against me for election. There should be a law. Hmmm, maybe I’ll make that declaration in a week!”

    Comment by jonathan livingston seagull — October 1, 2004 @ 8:00 am

  36. Misstatement that had me rolling on the floor: Referring to religious leaders in Afghanistan as “moolahs.”

    Comment by Frankinatra — October 1, 2004 @ 2:01 pm

  37. Can anyone detail just five things Bush has done for the USA?

    Comment by Edwin Bell — October 1, 2004 @ 2:12 pm

  38. Toward the conclusion of the 90-minute Bush smack-down from last evening, in a lame attempt at humor, GeeDubya made reference to putting leashes on his daughters.

    Could you imagine Karl Rove cringing after watching his Presidential Work-In-Progress getting thoroughly whipped by Senator Kerry on Bush’s alleged “home turf” foreign policy?

    Rove realized he forgot to explain to GeeDubya that, in a foreign policy debate, after the Abu Ghraib prison abuses:

    YOU DON’T BRING UP LEASHES!!

    Karl Rove Note to Self – “NO Leash References”

    Comment by GK — October 1, 2004 @ 4:35 pm

  39. Well, WMD or no WMD I think that Saddam would have acted like he had them to keep up his “image” with his people — Hence everyone was hosed. And as certain SOMEBODY wanted us to be hosed. It is a cultural code – the way men act in that part of the world. All bluster often with nothing to back it up. Wait a minute, I know one guy in THIS part of the world who acts like that, too. Egad, he is our President!! Not for long, however. Could it be that Saddam and W are birds of a feather? Hmmmm . . . .

    Comment by Starquester — October 1, 2004 @ 4:49 pm

  40. 1970s Computers. Not very good were they. Kind of like the Pinto, the Vega and the Pacer. Cars from the early 70s that you just don’t see around very much. Hopefully the same goes for W.

    Comment by Peter Tienken — October 1, 2004 @ 5:01 pm

  41. Rhinosplode’s Special Coverage of the First Debate of the 2004 Presidential Campaign

    CaitZewe (9:24:32 PM): It’s the Debate9000

    Trackback by rhinosplode — October 1, 2004 @ 7:20 pm

  42. So, did anyone else notice how Bush’s bullshit drawl disappears when he is talking faster than 4 duhs/minute? Everything about this creep is fake.

    Comment by BOBBALOUIE — October 1, 2004 @ 8:09 pm

  43. Don’t forget Y2K ….. Nothing has computed in his brain since 1/1/2000.

    And we are going to get screwed again with his henchmen gearing up to keep votes from being counted. Our founding fathers must be “spinning” in their graves.

    Comment by Nolliag — October 1, 2004 @ 10:11 pm

  44. Bush keeps saying he is sure he will win the election. I think that means he is sure they can steal it again and the American sheeple will do absolutely nothing about it.

    Comment by TWF — October 2, 2004 @ 5:59 am

  45. BOBBALOUIE,
    That’s perfect. An idea for a Kerry commercial: Shrub out on the stump, whipping the morons into a lather with his phony drawl, followed by his real, honky-ass Yaley voice when nervous.
    Great observation.

    Comment by Tim — October 2, 2004 @ 6:57 am

  46. A Drunk- ?Recovering? Alcoholic with DUI history.
    A Coward- Special treatment to avoid real military
    service in Viet Nam.
    A Thief- Daddy covered up insider trading at Harkin
    Energy with the Federal Trade Commission.
    A Liar- ?I will not use our military for nation building.?
    A Fraud- ?The vast majority of my tax cuts go to
    those at the bottom.?
    A Traitor- The Saudis funded 9/11 and He has
    interfered with the federal investigation.
    A War Criminal- we don?t have to abide by the
    Geneva conventions.
    (Funny, Hitler said the same thing!!! )

    Gosh, What more could you ask for in a
    Republican candidate for president?

    Comment by daniel — October 2, 2004 @ 10:55 am

  47. The spinnners have started working on Kerry’s passing the “world test” comment, calling it a way for the UN to veto US action and policy. What is the world test?
    How about
    Is the United States part of or apart from the world?
    Do we stand among or stand above humanity?

    Comment by Clif — October 2, 2004 @ 11:58 am

  48. That’s it. I’m leaving the country. Anybody want to go to France?

    Comment by Peter — October 2, 2004 @ 12:07 pm

  49. I beat you to it, Peter. I moved to the southern French countryside in March. I couldn’t take any more.

    The French public just ignore Bush, if at all possible. I haven’t seen his face on TV more than twice in 7 months. It is a very courteous and relaxed culture that has seen a couple thousand years of the comings and goings of tyrants. To them, Bush is just an angry little red zit on the nose of history.

    Comment by xpat — October 2, 2004 @ 2:12 pm

  50. Check out FRANK RICH’s “Now on DVD: The Passion of the Bush” article in today’s NY Times. If the Bush Presidency depends on us living in fear, this should do it.

    Comment by Clif — October 3, 2004 @ 6:56 am

  51. In my opinion the Republican party is becoming a dangerous totalistic cult, and GWB is their delusional and narcissistic leader.. We ignore the signs of this at our peril..

    http://www.reveal.org/library/psych/totalism.html
    http://www.afirstlook.com/archive/cogdiss.cfm?source=archther

    also see

    http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/
    http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Narcissistic
    http://www.rickross.com/
    http://groups.msn.com/Npartners

    Watch out, cornered narcissists are VERY DANGEROUS.

    Do not ever turn your back on a narcissist.

    Walk slowly away, smiling and saying ‘you are great’, ‘you are the smartest person in the world’ ‘I think you are so cool’ – When you are out of sight, RUN. Do not look back.

    Never underestimate the cruelty, dishonesty or manipulativeness of narcissists.

    Remember Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Kim Jong Il were (and are) delusional narcissists. They kill and ruin millions of lives like most people breathe.

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

    Comment by Ogg Vorbis — October 3, 2004 @ 8:57 pm

  52. HELP COMPUTER!

    Comment by Chris — October 8, 2004 @ 8:52 am

  53. http://www.bushism.net

    Comment by Tammy — October 10, 2004 @ 12:39 am

Copy link for RSS feed for comments on this post

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.