That’s how my friend Earnest describes the way random bullshit [my words there] end up on the California ballot. This year, in addition to the Presidency, senate, House, state offices, and judgeships, we’ve got 17 or so ballot measures to decide upon. After fighting my way through the more than 150 pages of supplemental materials, here’s how I ended up voting.

A word of warning : I voted via absentee ballot about a month ago, so my interpretation of these measures and/or my recollection about why I voted the way I did may be a little hazy.

1A - This is the one about making sure local taxes stay in the community in which they’re collected. When I read about this, the first image that popped into my head was some rich person bitching because his/her property taxes were helping build schools in a ghetto instead of building another dog park. Needless to say, I voted against this one.

59 - Amends the state constitution to give the public the right to access the notes and records of government meetings. I voted “Yes” on this one faster than you can say “Cheney”.

60 - This one has the confusing description “Requires the general election ballot include candidate receiving more votes among candidates of same party for partisan office in primary election.” From the arguments I’ve read on either side, this is essentially a response to Prop. 62 (more on that in a sec.) If this passes, it requires the state to include third party candidates on the general election ballot. Personally, I think third-party candidacies are a waste of time because of the way we choose our leaders, but I would never want a qualified and viable candidate to be blacklisted. Though I wish the language in this one was a little more clear, this one got a “Yes” vote from me.

60A - With the number 60A, it looks like this is some sort of addition to the previous measure. Right? Well…wrong. This one concerns selling surplus property in order to pay for bond measures. I’m in favor of the state trying to make money in order to pay for all the shit we keep borrowing for, but couldn’t they have given this one its own number?

61 - This one is about issuing bonds for Children’s Hospitals. Upon reading the description, I immediately think of a kid out of a Keane painting crying “please, don’t let me die”. To which I would respond, “Little girl, your mommy and daddy have put so many restrictions on the legislature’s ability to appropriate money that the voters are constantly having to borrow millions of dollars for things we need.” I generally agree with Kevin Drum when he says that he votes “No” on every bond measure, regardless of its merit. I voted “No” on this one and I stand ready to be treated like the kid-hating bastard that I am. (Just an aside, I wonder how many ballot-unfriendly social services are being underfunded? I hate to sound like an extremist, but it may be time for a new constitutional convention in the next ten years or so.).

62 - The top two vote-getters (is that a word?) in the primary appear on the general election ballot. Period. This one is the opposite of Prop. 60, and for that reason I voted No No No. Okay, I only voted “No” once, but you know what I mean.

63 - Ahhh….a self-financing ballot measure. I’d almost forgotten what they looked like. This one is to pay for expanded health services for the mentally ill by raising the income tax on wealth above $1 million by 1%. Quit bitching, rich people. Your tax rates have been steadily decreasing for fifty years. Throwing in a few extra bucks to help the mentally ill won’t hurt you, but it’ll help a lot of people.

64 - Tort Reform! Yuck! Anything that limits an individual’s right to sue a business that has harmed them is gonna earn not only a “No” vote from me, but my eternal scorn.

65 - I don’t remember a goddamn thing about this one, but apparently I voted “No”. If it turns out I voted against “free ice cream day” or something, I apologize in advance.

66 - Okay, good. We’re back to one I’ve heard about. This one, is the limit on the three strikes law. Personally, I think the three strikes law is complete bullshit, so I would have voted for this regardless of what the limits were. In this case, it limits the felonies to violent crimes so we don’t end up with prisons full of people service life sentences for stealing videotapes.

67 - See my answer to Prop. 65. This one concerns a telephone surcharge to help fund emergency rooms and stuff. I voted “No” but I have no idea why. I probably should have voted “Yes” instead. I dunno. For those keeping score, this is the 11th ballot measure so far.

68 - This is the one that really drives me up the wall. I rarely watch commercials anymore (Thanks, TIVO!) but I’ve seen more than enough for this one. Every ad is the same : A woman looks into the camera and delivers a rant along the lines of “Those Indian casinos aren’t paying their share! It’s not fair!!”. Hey lady, why don’t you try spending a couple hours with a Native American (if you can find one)? I’m sure they could tell you all about things that “aren’t fair”. I strongly recommend everyone vote “No” on this one.

69 - Provides funding for a convicted felon DNA database. Civil libertarians are freaking out about this one, figuring that it’s the slippery slope to bar-code tattoos or something. I think it’s a terrific idea that will probably result in quite a few innocent people getting acquitted of crimes they didn’t commit. I just wish they’d bundled this with a ballistics fingerprinting database.

70 - This one is a little trickier. As I understand it, the tribes that run casinos proposed this one which stipulates that the tribes will contribute a portion of their gaming income in return for gaming exclusivity. This seems like a good compromise that should please the Prop. 68 crybabies and the tribes who would rather not have the competition that comes with legalized gambling. Since this has tribal support and I’m not a big fan of the idea of gaming expansion, I voted “Yes”.

71 - A bond to fund stem-cell research. The fiscal conservative in me says “No”, but the rest of me says “Yes”. I really believe in the possibilities of stem-cell research and I think Bush’s limitations on it are appalling, so I voted in favor of this. I can understand why people would vote “No” however, especially if a Kerry victory would make this measure somewhat moot.

72 - Requires large businesses to provide health care for their employees? Hell yeah. The arguments against this seem to fall into two categories : (1) the same sort of hand-wringing we see from people who say things like “Raising the minimum wage will cause a recession” and (2) the “it doesn’t completely fix the problem” argument. This is by no means perfect, but it’s a damn good step in the right direction.

A - This is a Los Angeles only one-half cent sales tax to pay for a bunch of police improvements. Among them is “improved emergency and terrorism response, update emergency communications systems”. Gulp. Wasn’t this shit supposed to be fixed shortly after 9/11? This one got a “Yes” from me.

There’s a lot more information about these ballot measures at the website of the California Secretary of State’s website. If you’ve got a few hours to kill and would like to go into the voting booth more informed than I was, you should check it out.