What’s Next For The Vatican?

Looks like the Pope died. Once the Vatican hierarchy comes together to vote on the next guy who’s infallible, I’ve got two words of advice for the next pontiff : Vatican Three1. I know it’s been less than fifty years since the last one, but it’s really time. Not that the advice of an outsider holds any weight, but the church’s strict opposition to contraception in the face of disease and overpopulation is ass-backwards, the tendency to get sucked into little issues (like stem cell research) takes the emphasis away from more fundamental problems, and the vatican’s lack of transparency in the face of scandals like molestation in the priesthood makes comparisons to la cosa nostra inevitable. As the talking heads will remind us, John Paul II did a lot to modernize the church, but when you only got around to admitting that the Earth revolves around the Sun thirteen years ago, it’s obvious that there’s still plenty of work left to do.

UPDATE : Okay, apparently the news was wrong. He’s not dead.

UPDATE 2: Now he’d dead. Feel free to resume your grieving / indifference.

1: Or if you need something a little more flashy, you can call it Vatican : Trinity™.


posted by greg on April 1, 2005 @ 10:52 am

9 comments

  1. At least they are on the right track with capital punishment but Catholicism’s stand on contraception, women in the priesthood and celibacy is not in the best interest of the church, Catholics or Catholic dominated countries. I predict Jerry Falwell is next to meet his maker, thank God.

    Comment by Becky — April 1, 2005 @ 11:59 am

  2. At 2 pm CST the Pope isn’t dead. In the words of Billy Crystal in “The Princess Bride”, he’s mostly dead.

    Comment by Becky — April 1, 2005 @ 12:03 pm

  3. Vatican III: Revenge of the Sith, Season of the Witch, Turtles in Time, or The Last Temptation of Toxie.

    Comment by norbizness — April 1, 2005 @ 12:18 pm

  4. I keep hearing about how the pope defeated communism singlehandedly? I thought that was Ronald Reagan.

    Oh my God, Ronald Reagan is the pope.

    Hold on, then the pope is dead afterall.

    Talk about a lack of transparency.

    Oh yeah, and while you’ve got this Vatican III thingy going on, hows about finally excommunicating Hitler, ok? I mean, he really has it coming, don’tcha think?

    Comment by Stephen — April 1, 2005 @ 2:39 pm

  5. I seem to recall somewhere in a footnote to a text (St. Augustine maybe, though why it’d be there I don’t know; that’s how my memory stores it for me; he way predates the microscope) that the opposition to contraception began during the era of Leeuwenhoek when a priest-scholar claimed when analyzing sperm under a microscope he saw that sperm were little tiny men. Other researchers claimed to find similar things in animal semen, little roosters in rooster semen, little bulls in bull semen. Little humonculi in sperm and that’s why contraception was immoral.

    And while they have a long history of denouncing it predating this “discovery,” that was the foundation for later papal bulls that specifically discussed contraceptive methods that came directly from the microscope discovery, such as condoms.

    Enlightening, no?

    Comment by The Critic — April 1, 2005 @ 5:23 pm

  6. A new pope won’t change the archaic thinking that drives the church’s position on social issues. John Paul I’s short term brought relief to the dominant Roman Catholic conservatives who feared that John Paul would open up discussion regarding contraception and poverty.

    Wojtyla’s accession as John Paul II was partially predicated on his rigid views about human sexuality and its consequences.

    Comment by Ereshkigal — April 2, 2005 @ 7:56 am

  7. For the next pope, may I humbly nominate… George W. Bush! After all, he already thinks the bishops are supposed to follow his directives. He’s a natural!

    James Carroll also calls for Vatican 3 in his book Constantine’s Sword. If you haven’t read it, it’s recommended. (Take it in small chunks, though.)

    Comment by Roddy McCorley — April 2, 2005 @ 10:58 am

  8. As to the nomination of George W. Bush as the next pope, I think GW would consider it a demotion. The man thinks he is Christ.

    Comment by kamachanda — April 3, 2005 @ 10:02 am

  9. Youse guise is sech a buncha luzers! Ain’t you got nuttin bedda ta do than sit there bitchin’? Get off yore collective asses and DO SOMETHIN

    Comment by SpaceRat — April 13, 2005 @ 2:10 am

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