Faith is under attack here in America. Every day regular folks like you and me are forced to sit in the back of the bus¹
because the forces of change are trying to force us out of the public
square. No, we’re not talking about conservative Christianity you
sillyhead, they control all three branches of government. Our faith is
different, but equally under attack, because we² have faith in science and reason.

The central tenet of our faith is that through observation,
experimentation, and critical thinking, we can discern the truth. This
may seem like an outdated notion to the non-coastal elites who feel
like it’s their duty to patronize the rest of us with their bizarre
notions of morality and belief, but for the vast majority of Americans
who live in urban areas, our faith has served us well. Without the men
of faith who preceded us, we wouldn’t have the X-rays, non-stick
cookware, or reality television.

At this point in any self-righteous diatribe about how the world has
gone to heck in a handbasket, the author is compelled to remind the
reader that the United States was founded as a faith-based nation and
that the views of the founding fathers would have perfectly aligned
with the point that we’re trying to make. So, with that in mind, check
this shit out :

“Shake off all the fears of servile
prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason
firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every
opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because,
if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that
of blindfolded fear.”

- Thomas Jefferson

“The way to see by Faith, is to shut the eye of Reason.”

-Benjamin Franklin

“You will do me the justice to remember, that I have always
strenuously supported the right of every man to his opinion, however
different that opinion might be to mine. He who denies to another this
right, makes a slave of himself to his present opinion, because he
precludes himself the right of changing it.

The most formidable weapon against errors of every kind is reason. I have never used any other, and I trust I never shall.”

- Thomas Paine

“The United States of America have exhibited, perhaps, the first
example of governments erected on the simple principles of nature: and
if men are now sufficiently enlightened to disabuse themselves of
artifice, imposture, hypocrisy, and superstition, they will consider
this event as an era in their history. Although the detail of the
formation of the American governments is at present little known or
regarded either in Europe or America, it may hereafter become an object
of curiosity. It will never be pretended that any persons employed in
that service [forming the U.S. government] had interviews with the
gods, or were in any degree under the influence of Heaven, more than
those at work upon ships or houses, or laboring in merchandise or
agriculture; it will forever be acknowledged that these governments
were contrived merely by the use of reason and the senses.”
- John Adams

There’s also this quote that is in no way applicable to the subject of this essay :

“[T]he
priests of the different religious sects, who dread the advance of
science as witches do the approach of day-light; and scowl on it the
fatal harbinger announcing the subversion of the duperies on which they
live.”

- Thomas Jefferson

But
please, don’t misunderstand us. As you can tell by the ribbon magnets
that we put on our cars, we believe that America is the most wonderful
country on Earth because it’s a democracy. Democracies depend upon an
open debate of ideas, yet this new trend of “militant antisecularism”
has made it impossible to freely express our views to children who
might lack the mental capacity to tell whether or not we’re lying.

That’s why we, men and women of faith, can no longer sit idly by and
watch our kids become brainwashed in the thousands of comparative
religion classes in our public schools. “But the scientific method
isn’t a religion”, you might say⁴. Perhaps, but we
refuse to be bound your anti-faith definitions of terms like “science”,
“religion”, and “public schools”. We don’t want to rid the schools of
religious teaching by any means, but rather supplement them by
presenting both sides of this vast, complicated argument and let the children make uninformed decisions on their own.

In order to provide a balanced curriculum in our nations schools
that presents all viewpoints, we’re requesting that all comparative
religion textbooks be adorned with the following disclaimer on any page
that uses the word “God” or contains a capitalized pronoun :

“This
textbook contains material on beliefs that haven’t been peer-reviewed
or verified through observation and experimentation. Over the last two
thousand years, conclusions reached via the scientific method have made
a bulk of religious thought obsolete and — let’s be honest here –
foolish. With that in mind, it is recommended that the reader absorb
these lessons with the understanding that science will soon render the
majority of the credos in this tome completely worthless and that
history will look back on the devout as superstitious brutes who don’t
understand how the world really works.”

Our American faith
has been under attack by the snobbish forces of cultural homogeny for
too long. We can no longer sit idly by and watch our country be
attacked by ideological terrorists who have hijacked our schools and
insist on crashing them into our children’s young, fertile minds. The
traitorous demagogues in the “red states” started this war. If we ever
want to stop this country’s downward spiral and ensure that it remains
a free haven for people of all faiths⁵, we must join
the battle and fight to reclaim America, the Founding Fathers,
children, apple pie, the flag, puppies, faith, and guns.

^{1 : What?! You think we’re exaggerating? Why do you have a problem with People of Faith? like me? Are you a Nazi or something?}

^{2 : In case you were wondering, We do plan to use
the first-person plural throughout this essay. We’ve earned the right
to assume that we speak for everyone. Why? Because we have values, motherfucker.3}

^{3 : People with values are allowed to have pottymouths because we2 said so.}

^{4 : Or maybe you wouldn’t say that. We don’t care. We’re right and you’re wrong.}

^{5 : By “all faiths” we mean, of course, “our faith”. The rest of you philistines can go fend for yourselves.}