More Cock Fun
Hi Everyone, Ross here again to flog the dead horse of my inaugural post. Well, flog is far too understated a description. What I mean is that I’m flogging the dead horse until it’s nothing but subatomic particles, at which point I begin recombining it to flog some more.
NOTE: While I am singling out a particular comment in this post, I want to make it clear that I’m not doing so to make a personal attack on the commentor. It’s just that as I wrote my reply, I decided that for space/time continuum purposes, the response warranted a post of its own.
Commentor Dan wrote the following in the comments to my previous post:
I disagree, though, with your attacks on those questioning her judgement. That’s not unfair or sexist. Just because it’s normal not to steal I’m not going to leave my brand new car in a bad neighborhood at night with the keys in the ignition. If I did that and you questioned my judgement, you’re not condoning stealing.
Now I understand what Dan is saying in this comment. The old “unlocked car/flashy jewelry/running naked” in a violent neighborhood at night argument is a common tactic in favor of shaming the victim. The idea seems to be that by somehow giving temptation to rapists, the victims of rape, while not actually to blame per se for their predicament, ought to endure greater responsibility for their situation.
It’s also completely wrong.
The thing people (mostly male, though occasionally females as well) who make this argument are forgetting is that women, simply by being women, are on display at all times. Continuing with Dan’s metaphor, their situation is much closer to a car owner who, upon buying a car finds out that the locks have been removed and that the ignition doesn’t require a key. The owner didn’t ask for the security features to be removed, and in fact, feels quite rightly that they’re entitled to the same security features every other car owner gets. Instead, they’re told that this is just how the car is sold, and if they don’t like it, they may as well not drive.
Men also forget, and as a man I admit I’m equally guilty of this, that our civilization is obsessed with Female sexuality, ubiquitously obsessed with it. Obsessively obsessed with it. Hyperbolically obsessviely obsessed with it. Well, you get the idea.
As has been pointed out by far keener minds than mine, Female = Sensuality and sex in our society. From Lad Mags, fashion shoots, discussions of parenthood, birth control, and whatever else you can think of, women are the cultural indicator of sex and sensuality, and they’re constantly enduring advice, suggestions and even outright commands relating to it that men never hear.
So, women are supposed to be sexy and careful, chaste and available? Zounds, that’s tough. What this means is that they put up with a giant mountain of bullshit that would cause men, were they to experience it for themselves, to curl up in the fetal position and sob.
What I mean to say is that Women give “temptation” and “Cause” to rapists simply by having boobies. Old women are raped. Reclusive women are raped. Women walking to libraries, Women drinking at bars, and Women sleeping in their own beds at night are raped. So telling women to “behave” or be careful doesn’t do a good goddamn to help solve the actual fucking problem, you know?
It’s possible that the people who make the “robbery” metaphor argument just haven’t noticed it, so I’d like to encourage them to try a little harder to pay attention the next time they’re hanging out with a close female friend. What they’re notice is that if said friend isn’t covered in scales, and if they appear to be single (or hell, even if they don’t), they’re constantly confronted with their sexuality, no matter what the situation is. It’s hilarious, except when it’s creepy or scary.
Let’s talk about what this means.
CAUTION: ALL NAMES BELOW ARE PSEUDONYMS
EXAMPLE #1
In the fall of 2004, my friend Imelda and I went to a bookstore* so I could pick up a copy of Mojo. Imelda passed the time browsing the books by herself while I scanned music magazine. After less than 10 minutes alone in the sci fi section, a weird older guy tried to pick her up. He wasn’t creepy so much as he was inept, but what struck me about it was how unsolicited his approach was.
If they had seen each other from across the room, made the googly eyes and performed the covert-public-flirting mating ritual**, and then he decided to chance it and chat her up, that would have been completely understandable. Shit muthafucka, men and women meet each other in this way all the fucking time, and very frequently it results in make outs. Hot make outs.
However, in this case the weirdo in question just sort of appeared out of nowhere, like some kind of sexually awkward ninja, and started trying to get her digits. His pick up line also hilarious got her ethnicity wrong. Nothing scary happened, but it took him far too long to get that she wasn’t interested.
Example #2
My friend Artemis and I frequently made a point of hanging out at a local music venue. Our Monday/Thursday/Saturday experience at this place would generally follow a predictable and annoying pattern:
1) Arrive.
2) Artemis and I go to the Bar.
3) While standing in line for a drink, 2 or three guys chat her up.
4) She gets hit on on the way to the bathroom.
5) Very few of these guys bother with subtlety or politeness, or even, say, waiting to make eye contact or something. Their attitude seemed to be “OOOH, boobie under that shirt. MUST TALK TO BOOBIES!”
From the moent we entered the bar, instantly and inevitably Artemis endured a come-on gauntlet that Kung Fu movies would benefit from copying. They quite frequently got in the way of the fact that we were there to see some music, not talk about how cool her hair was, etc. She had by this point assumed an impassive, disinterested gaze, which a lot of clueless guys interpret as being “snobby”.
Final Example, I swear.
There are actually too many instances to single out, but here goes. Every Single Party In The history Of The Human Race, in which the single male population significantly outnumbers the single female population. I urge all of you to pay close attention to these nightmarishly embarassing-to-be-a-guy affairs. Watch how the single women are surrounded and picked apart by the sexually desperate men, like lone human survivors in a zombie film.
These are of course just examples of socially “normal” behavior. I’m deliberately not including the much more odious behvior, like wolf whistling, groping, or the like that women endure constantly just for owning the pussy. This normal shit goes unnoticed by otherwise intelligent people, but there’s really no excuse for it. Hell, I’m one of the people trying to get into that pussy and I noticed just by using the ancient art of paying fucking attention, something I would like to ask of anyone reading this.
What pisses me off about the aformentioned comparison is that I feel, very strongly, that equating rape to stealing isn’t fair because like it or not, people think stealing is normal to a degree. Some corporate pencils here, some downloaded music there… Ignored also is the fact that quite often, theft often doesn’t really hurt as much as it inconveniences. Theft rarely gets to the core of a person’s very existence.
Rape on the other hand? Not quite as blase. Going back to Dan’s car analogy for a moment, the thing which always disturbs me about it is that it ignores the fact that most commonly, girls aren’t raped because they were acting like ho nasty hobags from hosylvania***. Rape is more commonly perpetrated by someone the victim knows, or in wartime, when rape is used as a means of terror against the enemy population. Considering this point, the more dangerous aspect of our society’s response to rape isn’t the Blame the Victim brigade exactly, but the attendent terribly dangerous misunderstandings that accompany our view of rape.
The point is not only that women are more likely to be raped doing normal, everyday shit, but that they’re constantly forced to justify themselves when it happens. That we consider this acceptable is the fucking problem, and in my humble opinion, we need to shut the fuck up with the robbery-car-metaphors, and talk about the rape-assault-evil facts.
Anyway, as I said in my previous post, and as should be totally obvious, the problem in our civilization with sexism, sexual exceptionalism and mysogeny isn’t to say “Sorry ladies, suck it up and fucking deal.” It’s to actually try to fight the seixsm in the first place, partly by absolutely rejecting it. Say it with me people: I am not my cock.
Ross out.
*Skylight books in Los Feliz, in case anyone in LA wants to know.
** Which is this:
A) See each other from afar, make eye contact, and try to constantly position yourself so that they can see you and you can see them.
B) Wait; Look fetching, dashing, or whatever you can pull off wearing a blue jumper.
C) Try very hard to look cool at whatever you’re doing. At the book store, it’s reading really intently. At the music store, it’s looking extremely comfortable perusing the Swedish indie pop imports. At the bar, it’s being the funniest, wittiest member of your group, only loudly enough so that they hear you and think “Golly, I bet they kiss as good as they pretend to be witty.”
D) Wait until a decent amount of time has passed, preferably after at least half an hour of the ritual so that you have a clear idea that they’re playing too, and preferably when you or they are leaving, so that you don’t look like a creep and/or risk an awkwardly overextended bar conversation, and go talk to them. The conversation will be long enough to be fun, but short enough that you get to leave on a high note. Exchange e-mails or phone numbers. Rinse, repeat.
*** Used ironically. If it needs to be said, I’m pro sex and pro-women living their lives however they feel. I don’t believe in sluts, I only believe some people don’t respect themselves. Men and women are both guilty of this.
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Trackback by This Space For Rent — June 20, 2005 @ 1:24 pm
men are also on display at all times, and whilst men do not to any major extent suffer from the objectification by the media, they too, have been known to be seen as targets by women, sometimes alone, sometimes in packs, and because they (women) are used to being chatted up, they also get used to the idea that they can have anyone they want by fluttering the ‘lashes. Hell hath no fury like a women spurned, drunk and horny on a friday night.
Comment by mark reed — June 20, 2005 @ 2:27 pm
I would like to say, while I agree with you about how shameful the art of pick-up is these days, that our society is perhaps the most alienated/disconnected society of all time. Community is very important to meeting others, and, unfortunately modern society has developed the idea of community as more of a privilege than a necessity. What this results in is vast numbers of alienated lonely members of both sexes who have no real outlet for meeting others (not only for romantic means but also for just plain ol’ social interaction). So what happens? An inability to operate within “normal” social bounds. I’d say the problem most definately lies much deeper than the whole “objectifying sex” cultural phenomena. I’m not gonna go off on the traditional family structure’s disintegration causing the destruction of society tangent, because its hogwash–I’d say its more the faceless “no one gives a damn whether or not I exist”/”I am my job”/”TV is the center of the social universe” way we do things in the modern world…
Comment by langmuir tom — June 20, 2005 @ 4:29 pm
Wow, Ross. If I wasn’t already married, I’d ask you to marry me. You really captured this society’s craziness that women are supposed to be sexy and available yet pure and chaste at the same time. There are just so few guys that really understand this.
Comment by Unstable Isotope — June 20, 2005 @ 5:34 pm
Lang, the problem is that many, many, many men get very aggressive when turned down, making one suspect that they think that women are keeping them from something (pussy) that belongs to them. Rejection isn’t fun, but I am very nice and sweet when I turn guys down and still I get called a bitch and a slut(!?).
Ross, the stealing thing is interesting because that gets back to what I said earlier that our society deems sex as something women have that men have to somehow get out of us by begging, borrowing, lying or stealing. As long as “pussy” is an object to be obtained and not simply a part of a woman’s body that you may or may not touch as she allows it, just like your cock is to you, rape is going to be very, very common.
Comment by Amanda Marcotte — June 20, 2005 @ 6:20 pm
Two excellent posts. Ross, my love for you knows no bounds. Except for geographic ones. And, you know, the fact we’ve never met.
Is it ironic that posts like these will probably get you laid more?
Comment by Ruth — June 20, 2005 @ 7:27 pm
I’d just like to add my voice to this and say that I’m not Ross’s cock either. Not that anybody asked, but just in case they do.
Also, a line from the Penthouse letter I never sent: “Wow! I never thought it would happen to me, and in fact, it didn’t.” (Fantasies have a lot to answer for.)
Comment by Kip W — June 21, 2005 @ 5:52 am
Equating rape to a property crime is like comparing child molestation to test driving a car. It’s specious, wrong-minded, and doesn’t recognize the responsible party.
One point I think you could recognize and address more though, Ross, is that rape is rarely a purely sexual crime and far more often is about the violence and brutality of the act. Having had a very close family member be a victim of rape it was less about sex than control.
Comment by Dr. 12 — June 21, 2005 @ 6:42 am
You’re already getting a lot of love for these posts and here’s a little more. Thank you. Thank you very much for understanding and posting about what it is that women go through, that impossible balancing act that society expects.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you!
Comment by Linnea — June 21, 2005 @ 7:38 am
God, thank you. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wished I was a guy just so I could go do things alone without being awkwardly hit on by some socially defunct cocktard. It’s like if you’re not visibly in a group, you’re a target. Most guys don’t understand the extent of this — I’m not even ‘advertising the goods,’ I’m just an average-looking chick who dresses normally, and I still get approached or, in one very special case, flirted with ineptly in movie theatres when the film is playing. Some of these guys are really scary, and there is no ‘off’ button, no sign you can wear to show that you aren’t bloody damn ass hell interested. It makes you paranoid after a while. People make lame jokes about how girls do everything in groups, well, this is a big factor in why.
Comment by Mozu — June 21, 2005 @ 10:33 am
Mozu, that’s exactly my point. I think that if guys paid more attention, they’d notice it to. Just thinking about it fills me with dread.
And Dr 12, you’re right of course.
Comment by Ross A Lincoln — June 21, 2005 @ 11:37 am
These articles have been very eloquent and dead on. I just wish that other people had your insight and sensitivity. Keep up the good work. PS, don’t think being a married woman stops us from being hit on, either!
Comment by Hockeyvalkyrie — June 21, 2005 @ 3:55 pm
Hi. You’ve never met me, but I just wanted to say that was freakin’ beautiful. <wipes away tear>
Note that that your link to your inaugural post seems to be slightly busticated, though; the domain name appears to be missing a definite article.
Comment by cme — June 22, 2005 @ 2:23 am
Very good points; I’m not sure how we remedy the situation. Dismantling the culture of men’s entitlement to women’s sexuality is an obvious place to start, though.
It does dishearten me a bit to see how often unwanted “pick up” attempts are deemed inappropriate because the perpetrator is too old, or too fat, or too ugly, as if a woman’s right to turn down “pick up” attempts from me were contingent on the attractiveness of the man.
Comment by Jeff — June 23, 2005 @ 11:16 am
There’s more to it than this. For instance, in any group of people, say three girls and three guys, the guys will generally dominate the conversation, even cutting women off in mid-sentence, if only to agree with them loudly and emphatically. There are few social experiences more unpleasent than watching a group of guys talking to each other while unintentionally excluding their female friends. I hate it. The only way to stop it is to make a point of 1) addressing the girls and soliciting their opinions and 2) slowing the pace of the conversation when it threatens to become a contest between the guys of “who can say the next clever thing first.”
Comment by Joe — June 23, 2005 @ 11:18 am
Hi. I’ve never met you, but I just wanted to say that its nice to see a man who can grasp the idea that my body belongs to me, not my husband, the guy walking down the street or society at large. I have been propositioned for “showing my ass” when I was puting my infant daughter in her car seat. (In front of my husband, I might add.) Somehow this is acceptable.
Being raped is like having something stolen from you. Your feeling of safety, your body, your right to choose how to live and where to go and what to wear, your right to enjoy sex. A certain amount of objectification is ‘normal’ for both men and women, but when that objectification is combined with anger and entitlement the thing that gets stolen is a woman’s core and sadly, her social standing.
If a man smashes the window of a car, rips out the stereo, hotwires it and goes for a joy ride before abandoning it, no one asks why the car didn’t have seat covers (even though not wearing panties means a woman was “asking for it.” How would a man know?)
Comment by elayla — June 23, 2005 @ 11:45 am
Ross, you are absolutely right, women are on display at all times. Being a loner who likes to blend into the crowd, I’ve noticed this a lot. Many times I’d walk down the street when I lived in Hollywood wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up so that the only thing you could see was a little bit of a chubby-cheeked face. Still I’d get constant leering comments from pimps, homeless people, and various “normal” men. People are fooling themselves in believing those entirely covered up except for eyes Arabic dresses (forgive the name slipping my mind) do a lick of good. I’m sorry but, yes, men are objectified by women too, but there’s really no comparison.
Comment by Erica Zabowski — June 23, 2005 @ 3:15 pm
Mark,
And do those women, if the guy turns them down, rape him?
No. That doesn’t really happen.
It’s not the same, because the guy knows he can always walk away and be all right. Women know that sometimes, they won’t be allowed to walk away.
Man, I really don’t get the guys who, anytime they even hear the word “sexism,” start yelling, “Me too! Me too! Women are mean to men too!” Can’t things be NOT about you just once in a while?
Comment by Josh — June 23, 2005 @ 5:06 pm
It does dishearten me a bit to see how often unwanted “pick up” attempts are deemed inappropriate because the perpetrator is too old, or too fat, or too ugly, as if a woman’s right to turn down “pick up” attempts from me were contingent on the attractiveness of the man.
So your saying women don’t get to turn down men who they aren’t attracted to? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m assuming you are afraid this means only the most alpha male can approach women. But to see that indicates you missed a large chunk of what Ross wrote. Basically – play the “is she interested in me game” for a while before approaching. Check for recipricol glances, furtive smiles etc. If these are there – approach. If this doesn’t happen – she’s not interested and your approach is innapropriate.
Its not really so difficult to understand, I mean, we sent man to the moon…
Comment by evelyn — June 23, 2005 @ 7:07 pm
It does dishearten me a bit to see how often unwanted “pick up” attempts are deemed inappropriate because the perpetrator is too old, or too fat, or too ugly, as if a woman’s right to turn down “pick up” attempts from me were contingent on the attractiveness of the man.
So your saying women don’t get to turn down men who they aren’t attracted to? Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m assuming you are afraid this means only the most alpha male can approach women. But to see that indicates you missed a large chunk of what Ross wrote. Basically – play the “is she interested in me game” for a while before approaching. Check for recipricol glances, furtive smiles etc. If these are there – approach. If this doesn’t happen – she’s not interested and your approach is innapropriate.
Its not really so difficult to understand, I mean, we sent man to the moon…
Comment by evely — June 23, 2005 @ 7:10 pm
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for posting this, and thank you for not being an idiot.
Comment by Jessica — June 23, 2005 @ 8:15 pm
Evely, I think you mean allegedly sent a man to the moon.
Kidding, kidding!
Comment by Ross A Lincoln — June 23, 2005 @ 9:16 pm
So you’re saying women don’t get to turn down men who they aren’t attracted to?
No, absolutely not. (Some “benefit of the doubt.”) I’m saying that women shouldn’t be obligated to provide a reason for turning down men they aren’t attracted to beyond “I’m not attracted to him,” and they’re allowed to turn *anyone* down. Even Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. (Or, for that matter, Kobe Bryant.)
A distant second (and one that may not be able to be remedied until we get rid of this sense of men’s entitlement to women’s sexuality and the consequent necessity of providing a reason for a woman not being receptive to advances) are a lot of the phobias that get reinforced by these sorts of statements – not through people’s individual choices, but in the appeals to a perceived social consensus that makes it acceptable to say “he was old” or “she was fat” and assume those are universal markers of undesirability.
But to see that indicates you missed a large chunk of what Ross wrote. Basically – play the “is she interested in me game” for a while before approaching.
Obviously. (Well, sadly it’s not obvious to everyone, or the uncomfortable situations wouldn’t happen.) And if someone’s approach is inappropriate, they should be called on it (or at least they shouldn’t be entitled to continue making another feel uncomfortable). But I do think that the inappropriateness of the approach is based on causing that discomfort, and not on merely being unattractive.
Comment by Jeff — June 24, 2005 @ 6:50 am
“Watch how the single women are surrounded and picked apart by the sexually desperate men, like lone human survivors in a zombie film.”
You have all the right clues my friend. The number of times I’ve had a quasi-Resident Evil episode at a simple college dinner (i.e.: where I got to get my food every day) is enough to have me wishing I was allowed to pack a shotgun (or in lieu of that, a shovel) in my rucksack. And use it. Bloody zombies men. : )
Thanks for having a clue. Keep up the good work.
sna
Comment by sna — June 25, 2005 @ 11:22 am
You know, Ive never really been able to do the whole pick up a person thing… I currently have a partner… but it just happened one night. I dont even remember dating as such, we spent time together, got on really well and are like two of the best friends ever. Which is fantastic and what Id always wanted in a partner.
However, we have often been out together and its impossible not to notice people hitting on my partner, or in some sick twisted individuals cases, on me, because of those “first impressions”. I must admit it drives me mad when I find out that some complete stranger has been copping a feel in a crowded public place, when my partner thought it was me.
The entire attitude of most people nowdays is disgraceful. I relate to the concept of people having varying levels of respect for themselves and choosing their own path. Furthermore, I find the whole notion at the core of this article, about people that attempt to force their own level of respect beyond themselves onto others, an ever increasing and disturbing fact of everyday life. Ok someone eyes me up, its truely flattering… to an extent, but when it goes into my personal space or the personal space of my partner, its just offensive and something noone should have to suffer.
It is true that the problem is not that of sexual nature, but of control. Nothing sexual happened to me when, in a crowded public place, some perverted little social tard groped my partner, but the lack of control to be able to do anything about it affected me in a large way. More so than it affected my partner, everytime we go out now I feel I have to be on a constant vigil to stop the next little shit taking advantage of these unavoidable situations.
Unfortunately, it seems theres not much we can do about this though and short of everyone dressing in baggy jump suits with our faces covered, the temptation to those of weaker will and perveted minds, will continue to get the better of them. No… not even the fatastically baggy jump suits will be enough to stop them. Plus everyone would certainly look funny to any aliens that might bother to watch the incresingly pathetic inhabitants of our planet.
Anyways, I dont really know why Im writing all this… I dont ever post comments to blogs (until now), let alone read them on a regular basis. Its just been one hell of a long boring day for me.
Lets just hope that the truely annoying craps that deliberately infringe on others, do it to the wrong people and end up getting what they deserve. I definitely know the next person or persons caught affecting me or my partner in such a way, will be suffering all our pent up wrath from the torment weve endured over the years we’ve been together. I almost feel sorry for them… no wait… I don’t.
Comment by Just another person — June 27, 2005 @ 4:46 am