Hi everyone, Talent Show Cub Reporter Ross Lincoln here!

As you know, for the last several months we’ve held auditions for American Idol: Justification. In secret bunker locations/studios all across this great land, we’ve been searching for the perfect catch-all reason to invade Iran. Folks, the hard work has finally paid off.

It’s been rough finding that just right sort of bullshit.

* It’s got to fall apart on the closest scrutiny, but sound plausible enough to the masses of xenophobic, racist morons who make up the republican constituency that even when confronted with the truth, they’ll do the hard work of keeping themselves in the dark for us.

* It has to combine primal, childish emotional reactionism with American pride, while at the same time having the veneer of legitimate, grievance bitching rhetorical cover to those allies poor enough to be bribed by the ever-shrinking U.S. government coffers.

* The emotional response should also be transferable, so that when we inevitably abandon the excuse as it falls apart, we can continue to channel the anger generated by the excuse to other quickly hashed out reasons, for the common good. In this case, the common good being yet another unneccesary patriotic war.

* Most importantly, it has to come factory direct with neat turns of the phrase, and built-in implications that our allies are against us. I seem to recall that France and Germany seem to be fond of Persian food, dont you?

As our beloved mongoloid president is so fond of saying, It’s Hard!

First, we gave freaking people out about Iran’s nuclear program the old college try. For a while there it almost looked like this going to be our golden god, the perfect raison d’guerre. Unfortunately, after that little lack of WMDs in Iraq, we realized that we’ve squeezed out most of the good will we’re ever going to get from that one, and wisely decided to let sleeping dogs tell falsehoods.

Then we tried the feminism route - Pointing out how oppressive Iran is to women sure made us feel better about Afganistan, I mean, something. Look, you get it, right? Unfortunately, the bulk of our voters are either terrified or deeply resentful of empowered women, and more honestly, when they look at cultures like Iran, they tend to think they’re mostly okay, except for the darkie/burka/pagan god thing. Our voters want their theocracy to come draped in the good ol’ red white and blue, preferably with a country-rock soundtrack.

We were forced to seek our fortunes elsewhere. Luckily, there’s just no shortage of American ingenuity when it comes to deeply dishonest and delusional forms of persuasion, and I’m proud to announce, at long last, the Official Justification For Invading Iran:

REVENGE MUTHAFUCKA!!!

WASHINGTON - President Bush said Thursday that “many questions” have been raised by allegations of some former American hostages that Iran’s president-elect was one of their captors in the late 1970s.

“I have no information,” Bush said in an interview with foreign reporters ahead of a trip to Scotland next week. “But obviously his involvement raises many questions.”

Afterward, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said that Bush was referring to reports suggesting Iranian president-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s involvement in the 1979 hostage crisis at the U.S. embassy in Tehran.

…

Former hostages Chuck Scott, David Roeder, William J. Daugherty and Don A. Sharer told The Associated Press that after seeing Ahmadinejad on television, they have no doubt he was one of the hostage-takers. A fifth ex-hostage, Kevin Hermening, said he reached the same conclusion after looking at photos. A close aide to Ahmadinejad denied the president-elect took part in the seizure of the embassy or in holding Americans hostage.

The hostage-taking, which came in reprisal for Washington’s refusal to surrender ousted Shah Mohammed Reza Pahlavi for trial there, contributed substantially to then-President Jimmy Carter’s defeat by Ronald Reagan in the 1980 election.

I’m outraged, OUTRAGED! How dare the Iranians elect someone like this! We in the US would never, NEVER allow unreformed criminals and thugs to have any measure of influence in our affairs on any level, at least not without brutally slandering the opposition, relativising the facts and announcing that we’re not “dwelling” on the past! The thought that these horrible, Persian looking infide- I mean, Islamofacists could so blantantly disrespect our Nation in such serious, post 911 times in which everything is different just chaps my hide.

Unfortunately, there are a few french speaking Blame Americists who can’t see that Everything Is Different Now, and they’re going to have to be dealt with:

Another former hostage, retired Air Force Col. Thomas E. Schaefer, said he doesn’t recognize Ahmadinejad as one of his captors. Several former students among the hostage-takers also said they did not believe that Ahmadinejad had taken part in it.

What you may not know is that Schaefer used to go windsurfing every weekend with John kerry, that is when he wasn’t inventing the internet with Al Gore and wiping Clinton-Seed off of Monica’s dress. So you know he can’t be trusted.

Some former hostages couldn’t be sure about their captors. Former Marine embassy guard Paul Lewis of Sidney, Ill., said he thought Ahmadinejad looked vaguely familiar when he saw a picture of him on the news last week, but “my memories were more of the gun barrel, not the people behind it.”

“I cannot postively identify the individual. When I was interrogated, I was blindfolded and shackled,” said Alan Golancinski, one of the former hostages who is retired and now lives in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. “He does look familiar, but I have no way of postively identifying the individual,” he said.

Well, you know what we always say: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absinth. Or whatever. Look bitches, either you’re down with dropping some serious War on terra knowledge on these evil Islamofuckers, or you’re a homosexual lesbian with a tiny penis. Do you love America, or do you love french cock?

For the rest of you who aren’t licking treasonous ballsacs, rich kids can sign for the Slander patrol on the right, and poor kids can join Team America: Cannon Fodder on the left. Gooooo USA!!!

What’s that? Oh, don’t worry guys, as soon as we’ve turned the corner in the last throes of freedom’s march in Iraq, we’ll be manufacturing gathering evidence that North Koreans masturbate to pictures of the baby Jesus. We don’t want to over extend ourselves, do we?

Apologies to the General for basically ripping off his delivery.