UPDATED FOR CLARITY, STYLE

People, I’m all about hating on Bin Ladin. He’s knee-deep involved in the death of thousands, and his cute brand of fundamentalism is the enemy of you, me, and everything I (we?) believe in. Plus, he’s been Bush’s most reliable campaign prop, so you know he’s been pissing me off like you read about*.

Unfortunately for us, we have a government bound determined to let him get away with it all, only to let him surface whenever it’s politically convenient. It’s been 4 years, and instead of actually making any real progress in combatting terrorism, we’re stuck in this ridiculous nightmare in Iraq, referred to amazingly as the War on Terror. This tactic has been about as successful as the War on Drugs, and equally as scary, since in both cases our way of life is more threatened by the people supposedly fighting on our side directing the good fight here at home, than it is by the enemies we fear.

Of course, the GWOT and the GWOD often conflagrate, which is why this little gem from the Post had me laughing hysterically. Anyone want to bet that this is utter bullshit? (Via Raw Story):

WASHINGTON — Usama bin Laden tried to buy a massive amount of cocaine, spike it with poison and sell it in the United States, hoping to kill thousands of Americans one year after the Sept. 11 attacks, The Post has learned.

Wow, the Post, aye? Then it must be true.

The evil plot failed when the Colombian drug lords bin Laden approached decided it would be bad for their business — and, possibly, for their own health, according to law-enforcement sources familiar with the Drug Enforcement Administration’s (search) probe of the aborted transaction.

This is a new one on me. A right wing paper forced by conflicting obsessions to label drug use in the US as less evil than terra. They must have been crying all morning when this story went up. At least they got to use the word “aborted.”

Then again, let’s not forget that drugs, and the war on drugs, are basically two sides of the same class war. That’s why cocaine has less of a stigma than pot: Rich people do coke, and rich people vote Republican. This kind of thing would scare conservatives because it would, if true, kill a lot of people they know. Therefore, from the Post’s point of view, this would be evil.

However…

The feds were told of the scheme earlier this year, but its existence had never been made public. The Post has reviewed a document detailing the DEA’s findings in the matter, in addition to interviewing sources familiar with the case.

The information came in a dossier labled “Warning: Contents may deflect attention from Karl Rove. Use only when absolutely neccesary.

Sources said the feds were told that bin Laden personally met with leaders of a Colombian drug cartel to in 2002 to negotiate the purchase of tons of cocaine, saying that he was willing to spend tens of millions of dollars to finance the deal.

It was not clear where the meeting took place.

Wanna bet “never”? Not to rain on the government’s parade, but for this to be true, we have to believe that Osama Bin ladin either traveled to South America, or that he somehow convinced Columbian Drug lords to leave their drug lord mansions and come visit him for a little pow wow in the desert. You know, the same desert engulfed in near constant war for the last 30 years? yeah, right.

Like the first paragraph, in which we were expected to momentarily forget that anyone who does drugs is FOR ALL TIME and EVIL, EVIL person, so that we could feel sympathy for them when their little coke party turned into a funeral, here we’re expected to forget that Osama has been “stuck” in either Pakistan or Afganistan since Oct, 2001, at least according the Government that wants you to forget about him so you can get to hating on Saddam.

Take your pick: Either he’s been evading us in the hot ass desert for 4 years, or we LET HIM LEAVE THE COUNTRY and/or recieve guests during this time. How does this story do anything other than make the Bush administration look anything other than a bunch of total dipshits?

Oh:

“It is important we recognize that when money goes from the pocket of an American to buy drugs, it may contribute to the financing of unspeakable crimes of violence around the world,” Hutchinson told Congress that year when he detailed the narcotics trade connection to al Qaeda and other terror groups.

Thanks for letting me know. Now I know only to buy America approved pharmaceuticals brought to you by major campaign donors, or consumer items made using sweatshop labor in hellish conditions. Freedom may not be free, but thanks to globalization, you can get it on one hell of a sweet discount.

Hmm, I wonder just what Emmanual Goldstein Osama could have been thinking?

Bin Laden hoped that large numbers of Americans dying from poisoned coke would lead to widespread terror.

Really? I mean, an army of spooks ready to realease conveniently scary information every time the Bushies get in trouble and the best thing they can think of is “Osama commits terror to terrorize”?

“They wanted to kill thousands of people — more than the World Trade Center,” said a source.

911 911 911 911 911 911 911 911!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although the drug lords would have reaped millions of dollars in profits by selling the cocaine to bin Laden, they knew that if his plan succeeded it might effectively destroy the market for their coke in America for years, sources said.

But that was only one reason they declined bin Laden’s offer.

Another possible reason is that it didn’t happen. I’m not here to defend the honor of drug lords, (I mean, it’s not like they’re exactly “nice” people), but correct me if I’m wrong, if this story were true, then wouldn’t “Because it would destroy us and everything we do” be a pretty compelling motiviation, and in fact not place them in any worse light than they already are?

Check this:

Despite bin Laden’s plan being thwarted, the DEA believes that al Qaeda continues to this day to traffic in drugs to fund a variety of its operations — including training, traveling and terror attacks.

So, Osama, the notorious DRUG DEALER, (AIEEEE!) needed to go to, um, notorious drug dealers in order to buy drugs? Look, there’s lazy and then there’s this bullshit. If you’re going to write flimsy propaganda, at least try a little harder not to insult my intelligence.

Anyway, to sum up:

Osama has been stuck in west Asia for 4 years.

AND

Osama has been touring the world sampling the best narcotics

AND

Osama is largely unimportant to the GWOT

BECAUSE

Saddam hates puppies!

BUT

Osama is a horrible menace who 911!!!

AND

Osama also controls all heroin

EVEN THOUGH

He’s largely unimportant to the GWOT

BUT

He’s going to POISON YOUR DRUGS

WHICH

You shouldn’t do kids, because that will make you evil!

UNLESS

You’re “youth” and “indiscreet”. Because we all make mistakes

UNLESS

You’re poor, in which case we’re throwing the fucking book at you. Smoke pot? 30 years in the pokey. Snort coke with the CEO? Why won’t you just let people deal with their personal problems? They’ve made their peace with god, why can’t you?

But mostly, drugs make you evil!

UNLESS

You’re killed by terra. Then you’re a martyr!

UNLESS

You’re a liberal. Then Fuck off.

Any questions?

And yes, I do think cocaine is stupid, and cokeheads are lame. I also don’t think they should be thrown in jail, or used as props in the GWOT. After all, it isn’t like getting faded in some form or another isn’t a universal fact of life. Being hypocrites about it just makes us look stupid when we try to combat the social ills associated with drugs.

Also, like all Americans, I think that what happened on 911 was awful and like all Americans, I want to see justice done.

*Obviously, I am being flippant.