Hi everyone, Ross Lincoln here.

(Currently LIstening to The Way Out, by 7L & Esoteric.)

Having lived in California for the last 6 years, one of the things I miss the most about my former OklaHome is the real sense of changing seasons. Gorgeous fall weather kneeling before Cold winters that eventually give way to the tornadic goodness of spring, followed finally by spring’s surrender to the worst humidity on earth and the arrival of Oklahoma’s terrible, molesting summers. Yes, there are many signifiers of Oklahoma seasonal changes, from Spring’s ostentatious display of Ash Wednesday forehead, er, ashes, or Fall’s annual High School football season pep rally/gay bashings, but nothing says the weather is changing quite like the early summer appearance of THE SIGN:

“If You Think It’s Hot Now…”

Starting in late May, right as the weather becomes so miserably humid that your sweat actually begins to ferment, that hilaaaarious message starts appearing on Church Marquees and on the Bumpers of Pious, Self-Amused Christian drivers state wide. These being, of course, the same drivers who want to let you know that, in the event of their little sci fi novel turning out to be true, their car will be unmanned. Which is actually a nice thing, since most of them drive enormous, gas guzzling, choke-inducing SUVs, (which are of course the only vehicles capable of containing their enormous “I-ain’t-no-goddamned-faggoty-liberal-health-nut” girth), so you’ll know to stay away, just in case.

But I digress. I was talking about The Sign…

“If You Think It’s Hot Now…”

The thing is, I.Y.T.I.H.N is their clever little way of reminding you that they believe you’re going to hell because you don’t go to their Church (which is like, totally about Jesus and nothing like those other churches you probably went to before!) I.Y.T.I.H.N let’s you know that you are a hellbound sinner who is DOOMED, DOOOOOOMED to suffer for all eternity, forEVER, because you accidentally dropped an F-bomb in from of Grandma one summer. You know, because no matter how Hell-ish summer in the south is, it won’t hold a candle to their Loving God’s idea of reasonable 4th Amendment protection.

As a kid, “If you think it’s hot now…” mostly just annoyed me because it’s pretty much the Fundamentalist equivalent of “You workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” You know, the sort of hoary old chestnut that unimaginative douchebags and their sycophant cousins like to say, usually in a tone of voice that suggests they actually believe they thought of it themselves. From May to roughly September, you’ll probably hear or see it about 90 times, double that if you actually are a christian. Hell* it’s the “what a country!” of Fundamentalist Christianity and it gets old fast.

However, when I got older and subsequently got political, the meaning changed for me. You see, as with anything else that is probably good for Americans (like labor rights, universal health care, sexual education, affordable college, ultra-violent video games), the I.Y.T.I.H.N set is opposed to environmentalism with every fiber of their beings. Before roughly 1990, they were opposed to it because, and I’m not kidding, “the bible says the Lord gave us dominion over the animals and the land. It’s a sin to stop us from obeying His will.**” That argument’s easy enough to deal with because all you have to do is engage in the Armchair theologian’s favorite pastime: Semantic Debate. If you can provide a reasonably non-insane definition of the word “dominion,” they usually concede that “maybe” God wants us to take care of “His” Creation.

Then those fucking scientists had to go and use their brains. By the late 80′s, supported by the hole in the Ozone layer, a mountain of evidence and a long deceased America in which people who have devoted their lives to knowing shit about shit were considered experts on said shit, the danger of Global Warming became conventional wisdom and in 1990, Earth Day was suddenly a widely talked about event once again.

Almost every energy, oil and automobile company is opposed to even acknowledging this threat, and they beefed up the opposition propaganda. This happened to coincide with the increasingly brazen religiosity of the republican party and by the mid 90s, Funduhmentalist opposition to Environmentalism had morphed into outright opposition to the idea there even a problem.

On the one hand, the creepy “Jesus Loves America and wants us to Kick Some fucking Ass for Money” Christians claimed that global warming is a socialist hoax designed to ruin America. On the other, the “Rapture Ready” Christians agreed whole heartedly with their capitalist christian allies, but also said that such a hoax is part of the Anti-Christ’s plan to unite the world under one government! Also, the earth has a definite, impending expiration date, so if we’re destroying it, that’s good because it means He Is Coming Soon!

As a result, every time I saw that ridiculous sign, it made me think less of how lame an overused joke it is, and more about what a subtle anti-global warming message it is. Fortunately, even Rapture Ready types have to admit how fucking uncomfortable it is for them, and how much it will suck waiting for His return while fighting endless wars caused by Global Warming. And thank, well, God for that because it looks like the Anti-Global Warming crowd just lost the Raptureites:

NEW YORK, Aug 3 (Reuters) – Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said on Thursday the wave of scorching temperatures across the United States has converted him into a believer in global warming.

“We really need to address the burning of fossil fuels,” Robertson said on his “700 Club” broadcast. “It is getting hotter, and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon dioxide in the air.”

The 76-year-old Robertson told viewers that was “the most convincing evidence I’ve seen on global warming in a long time.”

Last year, Robertson said natural disasters affecting the globe, including hurricanes Katrina and Rita that wrecked the U.S. Gulf Coast, might be signs that the biblical apocalypse was nearing.

The issue has divided conservative Christians.

In October, Robertson, a former Republican presidential candidate, said the National Association of Evangelicals was teaming up with “far left environmentalists” for saying global warming was caused by humans and needed to be mitigated.

Now, I’m of two minds here.

Mind One: This represents a sincere change of heart, an acceptance of overwhelming evidence that only the most polluted and skanky corporate whores could ever deny. Robertson really has come over to the side of Angels (for once in his pox mongering life).

Mind Two: The republicans are in deep shit this year. They’re hugely unpopular, in danger of losing key seats, and (assuming the Democrats get that emergency injection of Ballsamine***) might see a huge push back on their dangerous agenda. Therefore, they need to find a way to settle the hordes down, win some votes. They can’t go back on everything (see the unsuccessful attempts to pretend they aren’t republicans), but they can jettison a few unimportant things. Like, oh I don’t know, opposition to Global Warming for instance.

Robertson, being a Republican first and a Christian second, is sending out the feelers to see how amenable the Rapture set is to fixing the broken planet. If this little trial balloon floats, expect a sudden announcement on Dubya’s part (or more likely on the part of prominent Senators) that come next congressional session, (conveniently post-election), they’re going to get some shit the fuck done and make America’s corpulent citizenry comfortable in the summertime again! (Which is why you don’t change horses in mid stream!!!)

Now I’m not that cynical, so I’m going to give Papa Gaybash the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s sincere. But even if he’s not? Who cares, the conventional wisdom just changed. Robertson is the Rupert Murdoch of the End Times demographic and this little missive is going out to millions of bible believeing homes. Like it or not, he may have just made it okay for fundies to say outloud what their bodies, health, and sweat bands have known for years: it’s getting hot enough that they’re going to have to change the sticker to “If you think it’s hot there…”

And that, dear friends, might mean some long delayed progress on the battle to reverse global warming. In the meantime, I think I ought to get a bumper sticker of my own:

“I’ll take my chances with Now.”

UPDATE: Thanks go out to PandAmanda for giving a visual demonstration of I.Y.T.I.H.N.

*Yes, I do think it’s hot now…
** They still say this to explain their hostility to vegetarians.
*** Pronounced “Ballzameen”