My Plan for World Peace
With the Israel/Lebanon war in a temporary cease-fire, now’s a good time to reflect on the root causes of the hatred that seems to be swallowing up the entire world. From my cushy vantage point, there seem to be two main factors at play.
The first is that petty religious differences are the catalyst for some of the most deep-seated rage on Earth. Religious fundamentalists of every stripe seem intent on rebuilding the world to match their interpretation of a book that’s hundreds of years old, while punishing anyone who doesn’t fit their criteria for being a godly person.
The second factor in the tensions in the Middle East and elsewhere is that nothing can unite a group of people quite like having a common enemy. Your lifestyle is under attack by heathens of some sort and the key to salvation and/or security is through the leadership of some religious/political leader.
Which leads me to my plan for permanent world peace. If the entire world needs a common enemy, then I’ll volunteer to be it. After seeing the religious devotion/furor that errupted with The Passion, my plan is to make a movie about Abraham :
In the Torah and the Qur’an, Abraham is described as a patriarch blessed by God (the Jewish people called him “Father Abraham”), and promised great things. Jews and Christians consider him father of the people of Israel through his son Isaac; Muslims regard him as the father of the Arabs through his son Ishmael. In Christian belief, Abraham is a model of faith, and his intention to obey God by offering up Isaac is seen as a foreshadowing of God’s offering of his son, Jesus. In Islam, Abraham obeyed God by offering up Ishmael and is considered to be one of the most important prophets sent by God.
In my movie, Abraham is Rotting in Hell, Abraham is a drug-addicted pedophile who turns tricks for heroin. Comic relief comes in the form of Abe’s mentally-challenged conjoined twins Isaac and Ishmael, who are eventually killed when they jump off a cliff while trying to fly. Indifferent to his sons deaths, Abraham smokes some crack and robs a liquor store. Also, it’s a musical.
That movie should piss off just about everyone in the world, but at least they’ll be pissed off together for the same reason.
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Meanwhile, the Satanists will be pissed off that the movie wasn’t gory enough, the Wiccans will be offended because - once again - they weren’t included, and the Buddhists will set themselveson fire in the theater’s parking lot, making everyone stop and wonder “What the fuck is he doing?” and thus completely forget about your movie.
Wasted effort, pal. Too many religions.
Comment by Jason — August 15, 2006 @ 9:24 am
What you ignore here, greg, is that the arab penninsula and central asia has been under the control of various foreign empires for thousands of years. Before the end of World War II the closest they came to self rule was the Persian Empire.
And in a similar vain, I think we are still seeing instability that came from the fall of the Ottomon Empire. When the Ottomon Empire began to collapse, it left an independent and unstable Balkan region, whose instability was one of the major causes of the first World War, and didn’t really stabilize until the mid-1990’s.
My solution is to get the fuck out of there and let it sort itself out, since all we really can do is stir hatred. But that’s not going to happen.
Comment by Raznor — August 15, 2006 @ 12:08 pm
And maybe have everyone that dies in the film come back as a pig or a cat. That would piss off the Hindu’s because they could have been eating hamburgers & steaks all this time… Now that sounds like a musical even I would pay to see! You are a genius. (I did pay to see the South Park Movie, but I didn’t know it was going to be a musical… I liked it anyway.)
Comment by Craig — August 15, 2006 @ 1:01 pm
Jason, i assume you’re trying to be funny, so forgive me for any appearance that I’m attacking your (joking, funny) point.
Wiccans do not advocate violance in any fashion, and as a rule, they tend ot be progressive free speechers who defend the rights of others, instead of advocating for the removal of rights. Also, whatever one thinks of their loopy spirtual beliefs, they tend to be awesome people. And no one has ever started a war to spread wiccanism or neo pagan beliefs.
Also, Buddhists and Hindus don’t wage wars in order to expand the faith. It’s true that there is sectarian violence between Hindus and Muslims but that tends to line up among nationalistic lines (Especially due to hundreds of years of annoyance resultant from Islamic conquest of India several hundred years ago.)
The fact is, people of The Book are cuuurazy. More crazy than other religions.
However, your post was funny, and brings up a good point about Greg’s wasted effort. I think the effort is wasted because Greg is taking too many liberties when there’s already plenty of hellishly offensive shit right in the story itself. Like, for instance, how Abraham takes Ishmael’s mom as a mistress, (What about family values!!!) only to kick her out of his tent and banish her to the desert when The Lord reanimated Sarah’s womb.
All you have to do is portray the events as they’re described, and you’ll piss them all off, and they’ll insist that you’re just not getting it in the way you’re supposed to.
Comment by Ross — August 15, 2006 @ 3:24 pm
Oh, and forgive me again - I didn’t mean “trying” to be funny, I meant “I assume you’re joking”, but I wasn’t actually paying attention. So please just pretend I didn’t say something that came off as jerkishly snarky.
Comment by Ross — August 15, 2006 @ 3:25 pm
ALL WARS are over property and realistate. Religion is just a selling point to the masses that must pay and bleed. The root cause, and therefore it’s religion, is GREED. “They got something we want, let’s take it” A greedy bastard will tell you anything to get you to fight and pay for what he wants, and sadly, most people will believe even the most boldfaced, rediculous lie at some point or other. (look how the Iraq war was sold) If you want to stop wars then GREED IS THE RELIGION to get rid of, AND it’s high priestess, STUPIDITY.
Comment by Mike Meyer — August 15, 2006 @ 4:27 pm
Ross: Also, Buddhists and Hindus don’t wage wars in order to expand the faith. It’s true that there is sectarian violence between Hindus and Muslims but that tends to line up among nationalistic lines (Especially due to hundreds of years of annoyance resultant from Islamic conquest of India several hundred years ago.)
Ross, if you actually go to India or follow their local news you’d find that Hindhu fundamentalism is a growing problem in India and it’s becoming the equivalent of the Christian Right of the US. This is not due to nationalism. In fact it is the other way around, their nationalism is due to their desire to establish a Hindhu only nation in India. Again this mirrors the situation in US, where the Christian Right’s nationalism comes from their desire to make US a christian country and not because of intense pride of what the US actually is.
The hindhu fundamenatlists are actively trying to change the secular nature of the Indian politics. They also campaign to change school text books to reflect their version of history and tried to change text math text books to teach the so called vedic mathematics.
It may seem that Hindhu fundamentalists are harmless. I think this is because most people in US and Europe aren’t affected by them unlike the threats from the Muslim and Chrisian fundemantlists. However if you live in India these guys are a real threat and if they manage to take over India they would certainly be a threat to world peace. Fundamentalists of any religion or ideology are dangerous. It’s not just “people of the Book” who should be feared.
Comment by shaker — August 15, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
Greg, you really need to check out Sam Harris’ “The End of Faith.” It’s a little over the top, but I can’t help but think you’d like it, especially given this latest post.
Which, by the way, I love. I want to work on this movie. Let’s have a script meeting. And Ross is on to something - he takes Ishmael’s mom, sure, but maybe he could go for his own mom, in a flashback. This could go far, and I want in on the ground floor.
Comment by Joe — August 16, 2006 @ 1:05 am