It looks like Slate’s Explainer has a fun list of leftover questions from throughout the year. Reading through them, I can’t resist the urge to try to answer, so here’s my best guesses and/or smart-ass replies. Let me know how wrong I am about any of these in the comments. (via Kevin)

What comes after 999 trillion?

One Quadrillion

Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.

Because (a) lower traffic at night means less ambient noise and (b) we tend to associate darkness with loneliness and light with happiness.

Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don’t our troops carry laser guns?

Handheld lasers probably aren’t that powerful. Even if they are, lasers are probably much more expensive to produce than traditional firearms. Plus, the United States still hasn’t signed on to the United Nations G.I. Joe/Cobra treaty which mandates the use of blue lasers for “good guys” and red lasers for “bad guys”.

Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?

Because people are dumb enough to pay more for nutty peanut butter. Also, nutty peanut butter requires an extra step during the manufacturing process (ie. the adding of chopped nuts to smooth peanut butter).

If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?

There would be more vegetarians, but we’d get definitive proof that cows are complete dumbasses.

What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.

The insurance industry would crash, but the U.S. government would bail them out. Unfortunately the same won’t be done for the millions of refugees created by the meteor strike. But at least the trillions of dollars wasted on the “war against meteors” will create a few more jobs, right?

Also, we must abolish the death tax.

Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?

Yes, but the cookies suck. The “dough” in the ice cream was designed to be eaten raw, not baked.

I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends … there must be something on the other side … right?

Stop wasting your time obsessing over questions you’ll never be able to answer.

If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?

Are you really dumb enough to believe that?

Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?

Probably the same thing that killed all of the unicorns.

How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term “K-fed-up” in relation to Britney’s divorce?

Take a deep breath and think about that one for a second. Do you really want to take credit for something that stupid?

Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.

That’s it. If I ever start a band, it’s gonna be called “the ultimate science for energy”.

Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?

Because you’re a terrible cook.

i need more money…..what business can i start that will not take a lot of time…i have internet access daily………..and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm…………..

There’s a lot of money to be made in selling postal reply coupons.

Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.

Is your niece dead yet?

PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?

Mate with them? Ummmm…are you trying to score a date with a Pygmy?

I have noticed that a lot of mainstream movies feature men peeing. Are the actors really peeing?

What kind of movies are you watching?! Can you pee on command for twenty takes on a set full of people?

What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don’t know about their money situation.

Don’t rule out the fundies. They’re loaded.

Hello … Could you tell me if there’s been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.

No. Science has stood completely still since DNA was discovered thirty years ago…in 1953.

Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?

Yes, but the government doesn’t want you to know. Also, George Bush planned the 9/11 attacks.

I met a 40-year-old stripper back in February of this year. We had a special connection. Yet, she was homeless, going through a divorce and bankruptcy. She has three kids who live in Alabama and she pays $500 a month in child support. Moreover, she used cocaine. At one point, she was arrested for forgery. She spent a month in jail but was released under the condition that she become a narc for the police department. She gave the names of her dealers and would wear wires when drug deals were going down. I let her stay at my place and kept food in the refrigerator. This past Monday she took all her clothes, my money, and left. The night before, she hung out with some friends. I called her, and she said I was too good for her. She said she had never been treated so well. She said she would drag me down and she couldn’t bear to handle that. I told her my hopes and dreams the night before. I wonder if I scared her off. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know if she met someone else the night before and doesn’t want to tell me. It’s killing me inside. I cried for her. I really cared for her. Can you give me some advice?

It sounds like you’ve already got the world figured out. We should be the ones asking you for advice.