It looks like Slate’s Explainer has a fun list of leftover questions from throughout the year. Reading through them, I can’t resist the urge to try to answer, so here’s my best guesses and/or smart-ass replies. Let me know how wrong I am about any of these in the comments. (via Kevin)

What comes after 999 trillion?

One Quadrillion

Why do train whistles at night always sound lonely and mournful? Not so in the daytime.

Because (a) lower traffic at night means less ambient noise and (b) we tend to associate darkness with loneliness and light with happiness.

Lasers are now powerful and small (at least I think they are), so why don’t our troops carry laser guns?

Handheld lasers probably aren’t that powerful. Even if they are, lasers are probably much more expensive to produce than traditional firearms. Plus, the United States still hasn’t signed on to the United Nations G.I. Joe/Cobra treaty which mandates the use of blue lasers for “good guys” and red lasers for “bad guys”.

Why is smooth peanut butter cheaper than nutty?

Because people are dumb enough to pay more for nutty peanut butter. Also, nutty peanut butter requires an extra step during the manufacturing process (ie. the adding of chopped nuts to smooth peanut butter).

If we taught animals to talk, how would that affect the world?

There would be more vegetarians, but we’d get definitive proof that cows are complete dumbasses.

What would happen to the stock market if a meteor impacted the earth? What would happen to the global markets and the U.S. market? Say a meteor hits inside U.S. borders and takes out two states.

The insurance industry would crash, but the U.S. government would bail them out. Unfortunately the same won’t be done for the millions of refugees created by the meteor strike. But at least the trillions of dollars wasted on the “war against meteors” will create a few more jobs, right?

Also, we must abolish the death tax.

Is it possible to collect all the cookie dough in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and actually bake cookies from it?

Yes, but the cookies suck. The “dough” in the ice cream was designed to be eaten raw, not baked.

I have been pondering this situation for as long as I can remember (maybe age 7-8) and it drives me nuts. It makes me feel like my head will implode if I think any harder. Is the universe infinite? It must end somewhere. But when it ends … there must be something on the other side … right?

Stop wasting your time obsessing over questions you’ll never be able to answer.

If a group of passengers on a hijacked plane wanted to, could they bring a plane down by all of them using their cell phones at the same time?

Are you really dumb enough to believe that?

Why do humans die so young? In biblical times, people lived for several hundred years; now living to 100 is considered a long life. What happened?

Probably the same thing that killed all of the unicorns.

How can I tell if I was the first person to use the term “K-fed-up” in relation to Britney’s divorce?

Take a deep breath and think about that one for a second. Do you really want to take credit for something that stupid?

Hi, how does nature make water? How does nature combine one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms to make water? If we knew how nature makes water, then perhaps we can then find an efficient way of separating hydrogen from oxygen, thus creating the ultimate source for energy.

That’s it. If I ever start a band, it’s gonna be called “the ultimate science for energy”.

Why is grilled chicken tasting increasingly rubbery and odd?

Because you’re a terrible cook.

i need more money…..what business can i start that will not take a lot of time…i have internet access daily………..and i have saturday morning free before 12 noon to run around. i work from 7am to 9:30 pm…………..

There’s a lot of money to be made in selling postal reply coupons.

Can you tell me how long it will take if you eat rat poison to see if it is going to affect you? Please e-mail me back. Because my niece ate some.

Is your niece dead yet?

PYGMIES: How/when/where/still in existence/do we mate with them?

Mate with them? Ummmm…are you trying to score a date with a Pygmy?

I have noticed that a lot of mainstream movies feature men peeing. Are the actors really peeing?

What kind of movies are you watching?! Can you pee on command for twenty takes on a set full of people?

What is the richest religion? Scientology has a lot of Hollywood stars and I think they actually make their members give money, but Catholicism is a very old religion with its own country. Also, Islam has a lot of members but I don’t know about their money situation.

Don’t rule out the fundies. They’re loaded.

Hello … Could you tell me if there’s been any kind of medical discovery in the last 30 years besides DNA.

No. Science has stood completely still since DNA was discovered thirty years ago…in 1953.

Are UFOs confirmed to be from other Alien Planets?

Yes, but the government doesn’t want you to know. Also, George Bush planned the 9/11 attacks.

I met a 40-year-old stripper back in February of this year. We had a special connection. Yet, she was homeless, going through a divorce and bankruptcy. She has three kids who live in Alabama and she pays $500 a month in child support. Moreover, she used cocaine. At one point, she was arrested for forgery. She spent a month in jail but was released under the condition that she become a narc for the police department. She gave the names of her dealers and would wear wires when drug deals were going down. I let her stay at my place and kept food in the refrigerator. This past Monday she took all her clothes, my money, and left. The night before, she hung out with some friends. I called her, and she said I was too good for her. She said she had never been treated so well. She said she would drag me down and she couldn’t bear to handle that. I told her my hopes and dreams the night before. I wonder if I scared her off. I don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know if she met someone else the night before and doesn’t want to tell me. It’s killing me inside. I cried for her. I really cared for her. Can you give me some advice?

It sounds like you’ve already got the world figured out. We should be the ones asking you for advice.

Well, shit. With Tom, Bob, and now Jonathan invading the publishing world, I guess I have to write a book now too. Any takers on “After the Laughter : The Greg Saunders Story”?

Seriously though, Jonathan’s book looks hilarious. Read some excerpts here.

Am I the only one starting to get annoyed by the whole “black vs. woman” attitude towards the Obama and Clinton 2008 speculation? The other day I saw a headline that was simply “Black Man vs. White Woman”, though Newsweek has been more subtle with their “Is America Ready?” as if the choice between the two is little more than which minority group Americans hate less. I understand the historical nature either presidency would have and I look forward to a day when being a white Christian man isn’t seen as an essential qualification for the presidency, but the way this has been bluntly reduced to discussion of the minority status of Obama and Clinton (and little else) is kinda tacky.

Speaking of Newsweek, this line from their Obama/Clinton piece struck me as funny :

Hillaryland is in a “how dare he?” frame of mind, insisting that the wet-behind-the-ears senator doesn’t have the standing to crash her party.

Yeah, how dare that first-term Senator from Illinois try to challenge the first-term Senator from New York.

That’s my entry, though it’s aimed more at the cheesy comments thread than the contest itself.

A darkness has befallen Riverdale, a plague known as the “redesign”. Among the first casualties are teenage friends/rivals Betty and Veronica. (via waxy)

Yes, this isn’t the first time Archie and his pals have gone through a drastic redesign, but at a certain point, doesn’t the style become the look? (if that makes any sense) When they’ve been spending the last few decades hiring ghost artists to follow the Archie style guide, then maybe Dan DeCarlo’s art is the definitive Archie look and any redesigns should try to be faithful to that. I agree that the art in Archie comics has become stale and lifeless, but there are better ways to reinvigorate their comics than starting over with a more-realistic (but equally-blank) slate.

What Archie comics should do, is take a page from Peter Kuper’s brilliant reimagining of Antonio Prohias’ classic Spy vs. Spy. Hand the reigns over to a great artist with respect for the material and give them some room to make it their own. Rather than throw out the baby with the bathwater, Archie comics ought to find a good middle ground between their current by-the-numbers fare and the more respectable comics that they aspire to be. In the hands of the right artist, comics that have been written off as disposable and irrelevant can become works of genius. Though the initial signs are hardly inspiring, here’s hoping Archie comics heads in that direction.

Christy at Firedoglake writes the post I wanted to write over the recent immigration raids :

Nine days until Christmas…and Mommy just got dragged away in handcuffs for a bunch of show arrests. Nice.

The shifting rationale for the ICE raids on the Swift Meatpacking plants is making me very peeved. What began as a “raid on illegal immigrants” has morphed into an “identity theft ring” justification in the last 24 hours. Except, the numbers as released thus far, do not hold up for that justification
. . .
So, let’s see what we have here: a meat-packing company with a history of skating immigration laws (and allegations of them having some sort of scheme to import illegal workers from Guatamala) skates out of this scot free thus far.

Meanwhile, a mere nine days away from Christmas, these kids get the present of their parents being seized and hauled away, unable to contact them to let them know they are okay — with no time to make arrangements for their children’s care.
. . .
I have very little patience for folks who violate the law — and that includes the meat packing plant which clearly has a “don’t ask, just git to work” policy when it comes to its own hiring practices. But it is apparently too much to ask that the Federal authorities at the Department of Homeland Security stop and say to themselves, “Should we make an utter wreck of these children’s lives a mere nine days before Christmas without making some provision for these families somehow — some show of decency and compassion to ease things a bit for all of these children?”

Even if you take away the questionable timing and the heartless way in which these raids were carried out, this is still one of the more egregious examples of what being “tough on crime” means in a country run by conservative Republicans. The double standard here between illegal (and some legal) workers who are being treated like enemy combatants and their lawbreaking employers who aren’t given second glances is sickening. There really are two Americas and this is a good example of what happens to the people in the poor, non-white one.

Since repeating yourself seems to be the key to success, recent events have prompted me to bring back the beloved character, Gipper the Talking Points Duck (click to enlarge) :

Yes, that’s based on an actual cartoon. The “write your own joke” gag is also from here and here.

Speaking of Mr. “Conservative and with a duck“, why is it that so many conservative humorists’ impressions of liberalism are completely stuck in the mid-90’s (at best)? Sure, they mention more recent figures like Howard Dean, but conservative hacks like Tinsley are always dating themselves with endless references to Ted Kennedy’s drinking, Bill Clinton’s infidelity, and Barbara Streisand. It’s not like lefties are still telling jokes about Ollie North, Jimmy Swaggart, and Ross Perot. As Jack Chick says, HAW HAW HAW.

My guess is that for conservatives like Tinsley, whose worldview revolves around the idea that mass media is intrinsically immoral and/or politically-biased, their shunning of the society they’re commenting on makes their decent into cultural illiteracy inevitable. In a fair world, they’d be treated like the disgruntled, out-of-touch loons that they are, but in the interest of “balance”, their work is promoted to the same level as people who know what the hell they’re talking about. I can’t help but think that if this sort of thing were happening in any other field, it would launch a thousand self-righteous lectures from the right about “reverse affirmative action” or something equally silly.

Here’s an email I got from my friend Tom about the latest installment from the most overexposed flash animators in the world. I couldn’t agree more :

These JibJab guys really annoy me. They made an animation a couple of years ago and everyone loved it. Even I enjoyed it. It was fresh, original, funny and a much needed laugh during a time when we were all drowning in political manure.

But since then, they’ve followed in the footsteps of every other animation studio by turning they’re one hit into a formula to bank in on success. Here’s all it takes: Take a public-domain song and re-write it plugging in current events while a-politically skewering everyone.

Maybe they’re too busy rolling around in money and fame to come up with a new idea, but this is just getting old, boring, tired, and lame.

Here’s the latest installment in their tired formula.

Hooboy. So, look: I know it’s bad form to revel in the misfortunes of others, and doubly so when those misfortunes spring from mistakes that I, and every single person I’m friends with, have personally made. Repeatedly.

But.

All I’m saying is that when the Father of Mallard Fillmore Himself gets busted for blowing twice the legal limit, mere months after another bust for public drunkenness … well, friends, echoes of Bill Bennett’s Excellent Gambling Adventures are ringing across this great nation of ours, is all I’m saying. Once you read the story, be sure to check out the post on The Comics Curmudgeon, one of the very best sites I can think of, that first tipped me off to this joyous bit of schadenfreude.

God bless,

- Brian