I just received my California voter information guide in the mail yesterday. The best part is the various gubernatorial candidate statements. Here’s a few of my favorites :

Alex-St. James

Once an Aspirant Catholic Priest, I support life from conception to the grave and the right to bear arms.

Joel Britton

I have backed efforts to unite working people to fight for “Jobs for all! Cut the workweek with no cut in pay! Raise the minimum wage!”; “Stop INS raids and deportations?end ‘no match’ firings!”; “Fight police brutality?Abolish the death penalty!”; “Defend women’s access to abortion!”; “Debt relief for working farmers! Stop foreclosures!”; “Defend affirmative action!”; “Stop Washington’s economic war against Cuba! Normalize relations now!”

D. (Logan Darrow) Clements

Atlas Shrugged, America’s second most influential book, was written by an immigrant to California who predicted our current mess and offered an inspiring solution. Ayn Rand knew that big government ruins all it touches while freedom leads to incredible prosperity. I know, as did she, that the economy will roar to life if we liberate it from excessive taxation and abusive regulation.

Warren Farrell

My recent research has uncovered why children raised by single dads do better than children raised by single moms; why men now earn less money than women for the same work; why our sons now do worse in school than our daughters… These findings, evolving from thirty years of research in my books, including Father and Child Reunion and Why Men Are The Way They Are, are deemed too politically incorrect for mainstream candidates to discuss.

Rich Gosse

Single adults are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society. They “can’t get no respect.” I am the first candidate in California history to campaign on a Fairness for Singles Platform.

Trek Thunder Kelly

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling, and prostitution so they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don’t care who you marry or have sex with.

Bill Prady

You know the wonderful world that exists in television comedies?a world where, no matter what problems arise or conflicts exist, people work together to overcome any obstacle and, maybe, learn a little something? Wouldn’t you like California to be a place like that? It can be if you elect Bill Prady to be the next governor of our great state. Bill Prady is an award-winning television comedy writer and producer who will bring the skills he’s learned creating sitcom episodes to Sacramento. If elected, he pledges to solve all the state’s problems in twenty-two minutes and forty-four seconds with two commercial breaks and a hug at the end. After all this turmoil, isn’t this just what California needs?

Kevin Richter

I breathe.

Kurt E. “Tachikaze” Rightmyer

The name Tachikaze stands for “wind from a sword stroke.” As the leading middleweight of the 2003 California State Sumo Series and a serious, well-educated, nonpartisan candidate for governor, I will attack the 800-lb. gorilla of big government from every angle and fight determinedly to restore California to a state where all citizens and legal residents can be proud to live.

Ned Roscoe

I am a grocer who, with his family, specializes in selling cigarettes to adults who make their own decisions. Customers tell me they want no new taxes, no stupid new laws, and for someone to step up to get the work of government done. What qualifies me to be your Governor is that this political base, formed first of smokers with many different political persuasions, united in the belief that we must respect the freedoms of others in order to have freedoms of our own, combined with others seeking sensible, realistic actions by a new Governor, will garner the largest number of votes.

Sharon Rushford

In 1998 my husband had his leg amputated by the state’s largest HMO instead of being tested and given medication for his condition. As a result I became actively involved in health care reform and reform of the mandatory arbitration system.

David Ronald Sams

I am currently the chairman of multiple corporations, including a TV production company, record company, and Internet company. Some of my holdings include www.SamsDirect.com, www.keepthefaith.com, and www.LoveStories.com. As a marketing architect, I turned Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy! and Oprah Winfrey into household names.

Diane Beall Templin

May the Lord give you the wisdom of Solomon as you vote. I pray that the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God will guide me in all decisions, especially in selecting the best and brightest trusted servants to resolve the budget crisis and heal our land. 2 Chronicles 7:14

Oddly enough, quite a few of the “Vote for me, I’m famous!” candidates didn’t include statements. I can understand Angelyne, Mary Carey, Gallagher, and Gary Coleman not saying anything, but Arnold Schwarzenegger? I know he’s a complete chickenshit when it comes to saying what the hell he stands for, but this is ridiculous.