If you’ve listened to Air America radio for more than ten minutes, you’re probably familiar with the commercials for Heart of the Beholder. For those who aren’t, the gist is that a TV producer who “unlike Mel Gibson, doesn’t have millions of dollars” is trying to raise some money to make an independent film about a video store owner being harassed by evangelical Christians. It’s apparently based on a true story.

Thanks to an anonymous friend (who might actually be working on the movie), I’ve tracked down a copy of the script. It looks like the script was posted on the website at some point, but they’ve removed it (you can catch Google’s cached version here). Based on what I’ve read, this is gonna be a bad movie.

How bad? Well, just check out how the movie opens :

FADE IN:

EXT. ST. LOUIS — DAY

An aerial view follows the Mississippi River upstream past
farms, river barges and bridges, stopping at the St. Louis
Gateway Arch. Words appear between the spanned legs of the
arch - “Based on a True Story”.

INT. ELECTRONICS STORE - COMPUTER ROOM — DAY 2

Dark screen. No sound until…

STEVE (O.S.)
PEGGY!!

Peggy, 30’s, lifts her head with a jerk. Her face fills the
frame. She looks terribly sick. Steve,40’s, the store owner,
calls from over her shoulder.

STEVE (CONT’D)
WAKE UP!! People need their paychecks.

PEGGY
I’m going to die.

STEVE
Die tomorrow, payroll today. Just get
the checks out.

Peggy sneers. Her eyes roll as her head tilts back. Steve’s
eyes open wide.

STEVE (CONT’D)
NOT ON THE COMPUTER!!

Peggy’s head spasms forward puking all over the keyboard.

That’s right, a puke scene on page one! A couple pages later, the protagonists Mike and Diane are talking about how great their new Betamax VCR is :

DIANE
Just what we need, a hunk of junk that
can record the Three Stooges.

Mike?s face lights up.

MIKE
Oh My God! Stooges, whenever I want.

Mike imitates the Stooges.

MIKE (CONT’D)
Wise guy, huh - nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Diane jumps on top and pins him.

DIANE
Now wait just a minute. You get your
jollies while I’m left high and dry.
Unless that thing comes with vibrator
attachments, what can it do for me?

Mike stops squirming and fixes Diane with a devilish smile.

MIKE
It can record “Dallas”.

Diane sits back in shock.

DIANE
I’ll find out who shot JR?

MIKE
That’s right, baby.

In the next scene, the evil district attorney is introduced by getting a blowjob from an old, toothless prostitute.

I swear I’m not making this up.

A couple scenes later the Christian group who will be harassing our protagonists for the entire movie, Citizens for Decency, appears picketing the funeral of a gay college student. From there, Mike and Diane open up a successful video store chain (thanks to Chuck Berry) and start getting harassed by this psychotic minister and his followers. The harassment includes trying to get the movie Splash removed from the store, to signing them up for a bunch of magazine subscriptions, to having an insane guy threaten to murder Mike and Diane’s daughter.

Then it gets weird.

As you’d expect, Mike and Diane’s lives fall apart. They’re arrested for obscenity, lose their store, get separated, blah, blah, blah. Then after all this, Mike’s old friend sets up a paintball game between Mike and the crazy-ass Christians.

Like I said before, I swear I’m not making this up.

If you think that sounds bad, just check out how the script describes some of the action :

Bill raises the bullhorn.

BILL
Goggles on! Lock and load! Let’s get
it on!

Bill pushes a button which emits a piercing tone.

WOODS

A team runs into the woods yelling. The last warrior
disappears, then all come running back yelling louder. In
pursuit is Mike, his gun blazing. Showing no mercy. One
player runs into a tree. Two others run into each other.

LOG PILE

A player cautiously steps up on a pile of logs, straddling
them. Mike lays hidden between the logs. The man strains to
hear any movement. Mike silently brings the muzzle of his
gun up, leveling it within inches of the man’s crotch.

Mike whistles. The man looks down. Mike fires, sending the
man flying and howling backwards.

POND

Bill stands by a pond. Vesta creeps up. Bill gets her
attention.

BILL
Psssst!!

Bill twitches his head toward the water. Bubbles pop at the
surface. Vesta gets the hint there’s a player hidden there.
She flashes a “thumbs up”. Bill walks away with a wry smile.
She bends over to see if someone is hiding in the water.

Her ass becomes a meaty target. Mike appears from behind.
His aim is true as paintballs hit her ass propelling Vesta
into the water screaming. Mike passes Bill with a “high
five”.

Running into a tree? Somebody shot in the nuts? Hell, I’m surprised they didn’t have someone slip on a banana peel.

Now I’m not gonna spoil the whole movie by giving away all the goofy-ass twists and turns of the plot, but the final scene is so bad I almost choked on my drink when I read it :

Mike stands face to face, listening to Bob’s plea.

BOB (CONT’D)
I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE!! IS THERE ANYWAY
YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE
ME?!!

Mike looks deep at Bob’s sweating face, the twitching of his
mouth, the betrayal in his eyes.

MIKE
Forgive you?

Mike takes a slow deep breath.

MIKE (CONT’D)
Not a chance.

Bob’s eyes open wide in fear. With one fast and fluid
movement, Mike throws his fist straight into camera.

BLACKOUT:

While it doesn’t say it in the script, I assume the punch toward the camera would be accompanied by the song “Workin’ for the Weekend” by Loverboy.

And speaking of weekend, that’s how long it must have taken to write this script. The dialogue is flat and expository, the characters are one dimensional, and it’s overall just bland. I understand that this is based on a true story and all, but they should use at least a little artistic license. Or is that what the paintball scene was?

Somebody need to get these guys a script doctor. Fast.