Inauguration Day Bible Verses

Did anyone honestly think this one was gonna go anywhere?

Two U.S. Supreme Court members separately rejected on Wednesday an emergency request from a California atheist who sought to stop the recital of prayers at President Bush’s inauguration.
[. . .]
Newdow, a doctor-lawyer who is acting as his own attorney in the case, argued that clergy-led prayers at the inauguration on Thursday would violate his constitutional rights.

“As an atheist, he cannot in good conscience attend an exercise where his government forces him to endure religious dogma he finds highly disagreeable,” Newdow wrote in his motion filed with the Supreme Court. “Newdow’s rights of religious freedom should be protected.”

Newdow, who lives in Sacramento, California, said he would drop his plans to attend the inauguration if forced to confront the prayers by two Christian ministers.

I’m not that troubled by the inclusion of the prayers in the inaugural since these ceremonies are put together at the discretion of the President. With that aspect of it at least, I’m willing to give let Bush have his celebration the way he wants it. I agree with Newdow about the troublesome links between religion and government, but the dude seriously needs to pick his battles better. Decrying something like this just makes him look like a crybaby, especially when there are so many other places that deserve scrutiny (like the practice of the legal system utilizing the Bible for swearings-in).

So, having made peace with the idea that the inauguration is gonna come with an extra helping of Jesus, lemme make a couple suggestions for Bible passages that would really suit George’s self-congratulatory (while our soldiers are dying by the score overseas) $40 million party. For those reading along at home, here’s a passage from chapter 19 of the Gospel According to Matthew :

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man inquired.

Jesus replied, ” ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

[ed. note that Jesus left out the religious commandments. Somebody tell Judge Roy Moore]

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Shorter Jesus : Rich people suck. I believe it was The Daily Show that once joked that Bush had set up a top secret department Pentagon to come up with an easy way for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye. I wonder how they’re doing on that?

Now if you’ll join me at Chapter 14 in Luke for this quote that ends on a similar note, but makes a few observations that are goddamned hilarious when looking back at the last four years :

“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ?This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’

“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

So that explains how Bush and Co. can call themselves “Christian” while rewarding the rich and screwing the poor.By undermining Jesus’s observation that a leader would naturally concern himself with troop strength and diplomacy prior to going to war, they can get away with being greedy bastards on a spiritual technicality.


posted by greg on January 19, 2005 @ 6:04 pm

4 comments

  1. You probably realize that fundamentalists have answers to everything, even something as apparently obvious as the camel and the eye of the needle passage. You’ve probably read the comic “Supply Side Jesus” via Al Franken, and a Christian responded to the comic at this site. I mention this because they respond to the camel passage (I quote extensively because the site is a garbled mess and there’s no way to point out where the quote begins on the page):

    Now Franken smears the Christian religion… One of the real Jesus’ central teachings was the danger of greed, not wealth. The supply side Jesus of Pastor Al’s comic proclaims, “It is easier for a rich man to enter Heaven seated comfortably on the back of a camel, than it is for a poor man to pass through the eye of a needle.”

    Obviously, as shown in the preceding panel, this is a bastardized rendition of Matthew (not Peter) 19:24, where Jesus states that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again, this is a warning against greed, not wealth. People like to quote the famous clich?, “Money is the root of all evil.” Well, biblically, that quote is incorrect, because the entire verse reads that

    “The love of money is the root of all evil [emphasis added], which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows”
    (1 Timothy 6:10).

    Money has the power to corrupt those who allow themselves to be enslaved by the selfish pursuit of it, and it is from that corruption that the evil arises.

    (In the second column): According to Supply Side Jesus, “If you are prosperous on Earth, that means that God is rewarding your rugged individualism. If you are poor, it is a sign that God frowns on your reliance on handouts.” Now does anybody honestly believe that that was Ronald Reagan’s message? Does anyone believe that to be George W. Bush’s message? Only irrational liberals who want to believe it in order to fuel their predisposed hatred.

    The top right panel is just more smearing of the real conservative stance on money issues. The cartoon shows that you must give, give GIVE to supply side Jesus. The truth is that conservatives want the opposite. They want to NOT give more and more.

    The reality of the issue has nothing to do with giving. It’s all about keeping. Conservatives don’t ask that the poor give their money to the rich as Franken dishonestly depicts, they simply ask that the government not punish people for making money (which is exactly the reality). It seems to me that this is not a terribly hard argument to counter and make fun of in an accurate parody, yet Franken doesn’t. He plays on his readers bias and ignorance to paint a defamatory conception of fiscally conservative policies.

    It’s all about interpetation, and as long as you can interpret the Bible to suit your own selfish needs, fundamentalists will continue to do just that.

    Comment by ChrisV82 — January 20, 2005 @ 7:48 am

  2. St. Augustine, arguably the premiere theologian of the Catholic Church, endorsed the use of torture to convert Jews to Christianity.

    This kind of backwards interpretation has been going on since the beginning of humanity.

    Mark 4:9 KJV “And he said unto them, He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.”

    Comment by Stephen — January 20, 2005 @ 12:30 pm

  3. That’s right. It may be difficult for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, but it’s not impossible! And ChrisV82, thanks for the great post. It’s always nice to have a Fair and Balanced look at the issue.

    Comment by Joe — January 20, 2005 @ 9:32 pm

  4. And jesus said, why dost thou mumble mumble cough; aaaah-CHOOO!! Excuse me; in My name? Verily, if thou goest cross-gartered and flaunt thy solied undergarmets, thou shalt wash them with thy own saliva before thou may enter the kingdom of heaven without paying association fees…
    (Shemp, 563:4)

    …The Lord said unto the Americiginians Thou apostates! Thou hath made unto thee a graven image in the shape of Courtney Love, and while she is unto the eye tired but still moderately hot, she is unclear in mind and foggy in shoe choice. Fools! Wankettes! Thou should at least create unto thee an image of Cameron Diaz as may be seen in her very early videos with bouncy-bouncy and will be pleasing in My sight, Hubba-Hubba! saith the LORD.
    (Animal Acts, 2:166)

    The Disciples bid jesus sit and Converse. After He drew the laces tightly on his shoes, they asked, “Lord, we have walked with you and spoken and ministered with you in all the villages we have visited. We have been hungry, gone cross-gartered; many of us have scabies and poison ivy from making in the bushes.” What is thy point? jesus said to them. “Didst thou believe this was a fun road trip? And Me getting nailed at the end? — But, believe me, this a pun I did not intend?”

    “Suppose one of you wants to build a parking garage. From the kingdom of Enron cometh a lesson: Will he not first sit down and bribe all who may help with this thing and so increase his chances of being rich? For if he lays the foundation, or the foundation’s girlfriend, and is not able to finish, everyone who sees him will ridicule him, saying, ?This fellow cannot hump to save his own life.’

    “Lord,” asked the Disciples, “What is a parking garage?”

    And jesus said, “Hold thy water, Peter; thou wear thy big brother’s pants. A king who is about to go to war must not speak untruth to his bretheren and his people. He is an abomination in the sight of the LORD, and He will make of them a debris cloud and lay waste to their Kleenex and Tony Llamas utterly.”

    “Truly, I say to you, in a value-added kingdom, the king bringeth to the table good things in the sight of the LORD or he shall be forced to clean kitchen grills with his tongue, and see educational films with cheerleaders and squirrels which have been shaved before the going down of the sun on Fridays.”

    “In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has and follow me cannot later claim to have been at Woodstock.”

    “But Lord”, said the Disciples, “We will folow you and do as you ask, but what is a Woodstock? Is it important in Your sight?”

    “Hoo Boy,” saith jesus.
    (Curly Joe, 6:98)

    Comment by Tom S — January 21, 2005 @ 8:50 pm

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