Christmas Slime Is Here Again
Since it’s easy, fun, and the bulk of my mental energies are devoted to other tasks, I’m gonna waste another post bashing Bill O’Reilly for his absurd Christmas crusade. This time, the object of O’Reilly’s rage is the Daily Show, because O’Reilly is too fucking stupid to tell the difference between social commentary and satire. Brad Blog and Media Matters are all over this one, but I wanna start my two cents with a nitpick. Here’s what he said on his radio show :
O’REILLY: [Laughs] There you go. Jon Stewart, “Secular Central.” Oh, I’m sorry, Comedy Central — and I like Stewart, but we know what he’s doing over there.
And here’s what he said on Fox :
O’REILLY: Predictably, the opponents of public displays of Christmas continue to put forth counter-arguments on ‘Secular Central.’ I — I mean, Comedy Central.
A joke so funny you had to tell it twice, huh? Good work you bigoted, half-witted sexual predator — whoops, I meant, Bill.
While it’s funny occasionally, the faux-Freudian slip shtick gets old really, really fast. It’s bad enough that Bill and his staff of writers aren’t clever enough to write two different jokes, but the fact that he told the exact same “slip of the tongue” joke on the same day is simply pathetic. For that, Bill, I award you the Dennis Miller Memorial “I Don’t Want To Get Off On A Rant Here” award for fraudulent spontaneity. You can put it on the mantle next to your Peabody award.
What’s funnier than O’Reilly’s unfortunate attempts at humor, however, is that O’Reilly is targeting Jon Stewart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Bill, but Jon Stewart is a Jew and Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. When you’ve sunk to the point that you’re attacking non-Christians for not celebrating Christian holidays, your witchhunt has completely jumped the shark. I say you hang this one up and prepare for your next crusade. Here’s a suggestion : Did you know that those anti-American bastards in Canada don’t even celebrate the Fourth of July?! If we can stretch that one between May and July sweeps weeks, then we’re good as gold.
The other day I was talking to my friend Josh about ways to destroy Christmas and he brought up an interesting point. The unending wave of inclusion and good-will that O’Reilly is attacking isn’t the fault of secular progressivism, but good ol’ fashioned capitalism. At some point, retailers noticed that the shameless orgy of consumption we experience between Thanksgiving and New Year’s was only sucking in Christians. Rich Uncle Pennybags figured out that a simple semantic change from “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays” (which, until recently, was considered a kind thing to say) would broaden the base of consumers to include the 20% or so of Americans that don’t celebrate the pagan celebration that was turned into Jesus’ birthday. It’s not an attempt to diminish Christianity or make the country more inclusive, it’s just an attempt to make more money.
Which reminds me of this speech by Ned Beatty from the movie Network :
You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it, is that clear?! You think you have merely stopped a business deal — that is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity, it is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations! There are no peoples! There are no Russians. There are no Arabs! There are no third worlds! There is no West! There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multi-variate, multi-national dominion of dollars! petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars!, Reichmarks, rubles, rin, pounds and shekels! It is the international system of currency that determines the totality of life on this planet! That is the natural order of things today! That is the atomic, subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And you have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale?
I can imagine a similar exchange happening between the CEO of Wal-Mart and O’Reilly any day now. This isn’t about Christmas or Chanukah, Target or Macy’s, liberal or conservative. It’s about dollars and cents, Mr. O’Reilly. You’re dealing with market forces much bigger than you and your sad, little show. The invisible hand that controls this economy will not stand for a disruption in the bottom line, am I making myself clear?
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Conservative = money. Nuf said?
Comment by Becky — December 7, 2005 @ 6:04 pm
Can’t watch Bill O’Reilly, he always looks like he’s sitting on the toilet.
Comment by Kamachada — December 7, 2005 @ 6:46 pm
I really wish you’d stop picking on the mentally challenged. Alright, so his jokes make little or no sense & he’s compelled to expose himself at inappropriate times. I say , enough is enough.
Anyone with a forehead as massive as Mr. O’Reilly deserves our sympathy & our understanding during this holiday season.
So, in the interests of brotherhood and all, I’ve decided to meet Mr. O’Reilly halfway on his Christmas obsession. I am willing…. as a matter of fact…. I am more than willing to acccept Bill as the only sanctified guardian of Christ’s birthday provided he trains his vibrator to hum ‘Silent Night.’
The ball is in your court Bill, please don’t let me down.
Comment by Rich — December 7, 2005 @ 8:38 pm
Wednesday night’s Daily Show with Jon jabbing back at O’Reilly is here
Comment by Matty — December 7, 2005 @ 9:09 pm
Please remember Bill is an intellectual fraud! He even works for a “pretend” news channel. The impostor anchor of the millennium!
Comment by Robert — December 7, 2005 @ 9:48 pm
Ah yes, Network. One of the best. Should be required viewing, but unfortunately, the hysterically preposterous shows they bring in to take advantage of Beale have lost much of their power because it is unfortunately a shockingly accurate mirror of today.
Comment by Mark — December 7, 2005 @ 10:51 pm
“What’s funnier than O’Reilly’s unfortunate attempts at humor, however, is that O’Reilly is targeting Jon Stewart. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Bill, but Jon Stewart is a Jew and Jews don’t celebrate Christmas. When you’ve sunk to the point that you’re attacking non-Christians for not celebrating Christian holidays, your witchhunt has completely jumped the shark.”
I would say that attacking non-Christians is EXACTLY the point of this witch-hunt. The whole thing has the stink of pre WWII anti-Semetic ranting to me. I would suspect that Stewart was targetted specifically because of it.
O’Reilly better watch it, though. If we’re going back to pre-WWII thinking, Catholics weren’t exactly a well-liked group in this country either. Once those pesky non-Christians are back in their place, the “Real Christians” may decide to gang up on the Catholics again - just like the good old days.
Comment by NonyNony — December 8, 2005 @ 6:08 am
Substitute “jew” for “secular” (or let’s hone it down to “liberal”) then O’Reilly and Coulter are getting fitted for jackboots while we speak.
Sieg Holidays!
Comment by bibimimi — December 8, 2005 @ 6:40 am
Damn fine post, greg! And my highest regards for having the intestianl fortitude to listen to Osama O’Lielly’s radio and teevee shows. You’re a much better man than I.
I always thought that the corporate funding for the fundies’ political puppets will come to a screechin’ halt when they try to shut down Wally Whirled or professional sports on Sunday so Joe Q. Six-Pak will have to attend Church. It’s ok for the fundies to fuck with Roe v. Wade or evolution in high school bio class, but you don’t, ever, fuck with Wally Whirled’s bottom line or Joe Q. Six-Pak’s constitutional right to watch the NFL.
Ho, ho, ho! Happy Hollydaze, indeed!
Comment by An Enquiring Mind — December 8, 2005 @ 6:51 am
Here’s One for Bill to use on his show:
War on Christmas Turns Violent -
In reading about the shooting of a passenger by Air Marshalls yesterday, I noticed this statement, buried in the story, clearly hidden by the ultra-liberal media:
“Alpizar, who worked in the paint department of a home supply store, was returning from a missionary trip in Ecuador, according to a neighbor who was watching his ranch-style house in the Orlando suburb of Maitland”
Well, there it is. He was a missionary! I predicted this people. Our Secular Christ Killing government has finally started going after Christians with shocking violence, just for celebrating the birth of Jesus.
Comment by Scott Hack — December 8, 2005 @ 7:42 am
Reminds me of an all-time great “faux-Freudian slip” moment: Georgie Jessel saying “Pravda, oh I mean The New York Times.” After two warnings Edwin Newman then threw his ass off of The Today Show. Ah, the memories. It’s like Proust’s madeline, no wait, that’s a different thread.
Comment by Roy E — December 8, 2005 @ 9:40 am
I’d say that Jon Stewart’s Jewishness is precisely the bug up Bill O’Reilly’s butt.
Comment by Amanda Marcotte — December 8, 2005 @ 10:19 am
Good essay on the history of Christmas in the USA http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/12/07/opinion/edcohen.php
Comment by Joshua — December 8, 2005 @ 11:01 am
Ban Ann?
OK. Ann Coulter is an evil nut. That’s her angle. Her “thing.” It’s what she does. I guess she does it well because she drives people absolutely nuts. According to Newsday, she had to cut a speech short because so…
Trackback by PoliZoo — December 8, 2005 @ 12:16 pm
Let’s not forget that the White House Christmas Cards this year say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. Damn you John Stewart. See what you caused poor Mr. Bush to do? Go Liberal on baby Jesus’ birthday!
Comment by Beeker — December 8, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
I’d forgotten the icy fucking horror I felt the first time I saw “Network” and heard Ned Beatty’s speech. That scene is fucking chilling. That movie … man.
Comment by Briantologist — December 8, 2005 @ 1:36 pm
Hey everyone, I have written a piece called “Truth and Mainstream” detailing, and backing up with facts and polls that all of Howard Deans supposed “gaffes” have either been vindicated by facts, or American public opinion. We should use this to shoot back at the media. I also back up with polls issue by issue how the Gov. is directly in the mainstream of American political thought. Please check it out and leave me comments- www.scottforamerica.com
Comment by Scott Goldstein — December 8, 2005 @ 4:31 pm
Great post. Yes, if and when the conservatives truly bring over a majority of people as well as politicians to their side, we’ll see how comfortably conservative Christians rub shoulders with conservative money-grubbers, or for that matter the Catholics and non-evangelical Christians who at their core have widely differing beliefs and values.
On another note, hands up, who among us saw Stanley Spedowsky’s speech in UHF before seeing its predecessor in Network?
Comment by dAnimal — December 8, 2005 @ 4:59 pm
I’ll be glad when Christmas is finally over and everyone can argue over important things. Like Karl Rove.
Comment by ceres — December 8, 2005 @ 7:39 pm
When you’ve sunk to the point that you’re attacking non-Christians for not celebrating Christian holidays, your witchhunt has completely jumped the shark.
The Talent Show
Trackback by BlogBites — December 8, 2005 @ 10:03 pm
hands up
Comment by Ross — December 8, 2005 @ 10:42 pm
Ah, yes, UHF. A classic if ever there was one.
Not to mention the fact that the clip he used as evidence for the WAR AGAINST CHRISTMAS was a year old.
Comment by Jamey — December 8, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
Christmas - too many deals, shopping, etc. I not sure yet - Like I it or not?
Comment by Greg — December 9, 2005 @ 1:35 pm
Maybe he’s just pissed that the Daily Show has better ratings and consistantly better informed viewers.
I mean the conservatives that call into his show, bless their little hearts, agree with everything he proclaims, but it must get depressing for O’Reilly to constantly realize that most of his audience will get lost deciphering a compound sentence. I bet he wishes he could sucker the attention of the smart young audience Jon Stewart pulls in every night.
Comment by Scott — December 10, 2005 @ 5:53 am
Oh Noes! Who attacked my XMAS!?
Man, I should just rename this place: Bill O’Reilly Is A Massive Tool Central. Every time I turn around, he’s a massive tool. I find it hard to believe he actually has friends–you know, like people he can hang out…
Trackback by California Livin' — December 12, 2005 @ 1:20 pm
“This isn’t about Christmas or Chanukah, Target or Macy’s, liberal or conservative. It’s about dollars and cents, Mr. O’Reilly. You’re dealing with market forces much bigger than you and your sad, little show. The invisible hand that controls this economy will not stand for a disruption in the bottom line, am I making myself clear?”
Nicely said…. Very nicely said….
Comment by Tommy T. — December 26, 2005 @ 8:41 am